Non-Monogamy Guides

Changing Someone In A Relationship

Changing Someone In A Relationship

In relationships, change is a constant, whether it be personal growth, partners' evolving preferences or life circumstances. However, sometimes people wonder if they can change their partner in a relationship. Can we really alter someone's deeply ingrained habits, behavior or perspective in life? In this article, we delve into the concept of changing someone in a relationship, explore the reasons behind this desire and whether or not it’s possible, and suggest healthier ways to approach situations that call for growth within partnerships.

Why Do We Want to Change Our Partners?

Some common reasons why people may want to change their partners in a relationship include:

  • Annoying habits or behaviors that we find difficult to live with
  • Misaligned values or interests that lead to conflicts
  • Expectations of an "ideal partner" that we believe our partner should meet
  • A belief that we know what's best for our partner
  • An attempt to exert control in the relationship

Is It Possible to Change Someone in a Relationship?

The short answer is no. We cannot change someone in a relationship since change ultimately comes from within. People can only change if they are motivated and willing to do so for themselves.

While it may be tempting to push our partners to become “better versions of themselves,” attempting to change someone can be damaging for both parties. It may manifest feelings of resentment, frustration, and disappointment in the long run.

Instead of trying to change your partner, it is healthier to focus on supporting their personal growth, fostering open communication, and adapting to the natural changes that occur throughout life.

Fostering a Growth-Conducive Relationship

Relationships thrive when both parties are open to personal growth and self-improvement. Here are some ways to create a space that encourages growth without attempting to change your partner:

Express Your Needs and Boundaries

Establish clear communication of your needs and boundaries within the relationship. Be honest about what is important to you and the areas in which you see potential for growth.

Practice Empathy and Understanding

Take the time to understand your partner's perspective and be empathetic toward their struggles. Validate their feelings and express your support for their journey.

Encourage Personal Growth

Encourage your partner to take steps toward self-improvement but also give them the freedom and space to grow at their own pace.

Be Open to Change Yourself

Accept that you too have areas for personal growth. Be open to change and allow both yourself and your partner to evolve within the relationship.

Changing Someone In A Relationship Example:

Jane and John have been together for five years. Lately, Jane feels that John's excessive video gaming is interfering with their relationship, and she wishes he would spend more time with her. Instead of trying to change John by demanding that he stop gaming, Jane can:

  • Communicate her feelings and desire for more quality time together
  • Show empathy and understanding for John's interest in gaming
  • Discuss possible compromises, such as designated gaming-free nights or finding a shared hobby
  • Reflect on her own habits and interests to see if there are changes she too can make to improve their relationship

In this scenario, Jane is supporting John's personal growth without attempting to change him directly. Both parties are encouraged to evolve together and adapt to the changing dynamics of their relationship.

Attempting to change someone in a relationship is not only unrealistic but also harmful. Instead, cultivating a relationship that supports personal growth and open communication can lead to a healthier, more satisfying partnership. Share this article with friends who may wrestle with similar thoughts in their relationships, and explore more articles on The Monogamy Experiment for insights on love, partnership, and personal growth.

the monogamy experiment caitlin schmidt
Caitlin Schmidt

Caitlin Schmidt, Ph.D., is a revered figure in relationship psychology and a celebrated sex therapist with over 15 years of deep-rooted experience. Renowned for her compassionate approach and penetrating insights, Caitlin has dedicated her career to enriching people's understanding of love, intimacy, and the myriad relationship forms that exist in our complex world.Having worked with diverse individuals and couples across the spectrum of monogamy, non-monogamy, and polyamory, she brings a wealth of real-life wisdom and academic knowledge to her writing. Her compelling blend of empathy, sharp intellect, and unwavering professionalism sets her apart in the field.Caitlin's mission, both as a practitioner and as a contributor to The Monogamy Experiment, is to educate, inspire, and provoke thoughtful discussion. She believes in fostering a safe, judgment-free space for people to explore their relationship dynamics, ensuring her readers feel seen, heard, and understood.With every article, Caitlin continues her commitment to shine a light on the realities, challenges, and beauty of human connection. Her expertise makes her an indispensable guide as you navigate your journey through the landscape of love and relationships.

About Caitlin Schmidt

Caitlin Schmidt, Ph.D., is a revered figure in relationship psychology and a celebrated sex therapist with over 15 years of deep-rooted experience. Renowned for her compassionate approach and penetrating insights, Caitlin has dedicated her career to enriching people's understanding of love, intimacy, and the myriad relationship forms that exist in our complex world.Having worked with diverse individuals and couples across the spectrum of monogamy, non-monogamy, and polyamory, she brings a wealth of real-life wisdom and academic knowledge to her writing. Her compelling blend of empathy, sharp intellect, and unwavering professionalism sets her apart in the field.Caitlin's mission, both as a practitioner and as a contributor to The Monogamy Experiment, is to educate, inspire, and provoke thoughtful discussion. She believes in fostering a safe, judgment-free space for people to explore their relationship dynamics, ensuring her readers feel seen, heard, and understood.With every article, Caitlin continues her commitment to shine a light on the realities, challenges, and beauty of human connection. Her expertise makes her an indispensable guide as you navigate your journey through the landscape of love and relationships.

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