Opening your relationship sounds sexy in theory because you imagine the highlight reel. You imagine the hot dates and the butterflies and the whispers in the dark. You rarely imagine the sheer amount of administrative work required to get there. Dating is a job. It is a part time job that costs you money instead of paying you money. You have to pay for drinks. You have to pay for Ubers. You have to pay for the premium version of the dating apps because the free version is garbage. Beyond the money you have to pay with your energy. You have to swipe through hundreds of profiles. You have to have the same "so what do you do for work" conversation fifty times. You have to shave parts of your body that you have been ignoring for years. This calculator is your reality check. It is an audit of your resources. We are here to answer the question of whether you can actually afford the lifestyle you think you want.
Most couples fail at ethical non-monogamy not because they run out of love but because they run out of resources. They underestimate the "Admin" of dating. Admin is the unsexy stuff that makes the sexy stuff possible. It is the logistics. It is the grooming. It is the emotional processing. If you are already stretched thin in your current life adding a dating life is like trying to add a second story to a house made of playing cards. This tool breaks down the cost of doing business in the dating market. It forces you to look at your bank account and your energy levels and your calendar with brutal honesty.
The four currencies of the open relationship
To use this calculator effectively you need to understand that time is not the only currency you are spending. You are spending four distinct types of currency. If you are bankrupt in any single one of these categories your open relationship will struggle.
Currency one is cold hard cash
Dating inflation is real. A cocktail is twenty dollars. A decent dinner is a hundred dollars. A hotel room because you cannot bring them back to your marital bed is two hundred dollars. If you go on one date a week that is easily a thousand dollars a month. Do you have that in your budget? Or are you going to have to cut back on your grocery bill to afford your sex life? Financial stress is a major mood killer. You need to know your "Dating Dollar" cap before you swipe right.
Currency two is the grooming tax
When you have been married for ten years you can get away with sweatpants and a messy bun. Your spouse loves you anyway. A new date does not have that context. You have to present your best self. For women this often involves hair and makeup and shaving and outfit coordination. That takes hours. For men it involves actually ironing a shirt and trimming the beard. This is the "Hotness Tax." You have to pay it every single time you leave the house. If you are exhausted after work do you really have the energy to shower and groom for an hour?
Currency three is the thumb equity
This is the time you spend on apps. It is a grind. You have to curate your profile. You have to take photos that don't make you look like a serial killer. You have to swipe. You have to message. You have to deal with ghosts. The average person spends ten hours a week on their phone just trying to set up one date. That is ten hours you are not talking to your spouse or sleeping. It is a significant drain on your mental battery.
Currency four is emotional bandwidth
New people bring new feelings. Some of them are good feelings like excitement. Some of them are bad feelings like rejection or confusion. Processing these feelings takes energy. If you have a stressful job and a stressful home life you might not have the "CPU power" left to process a new person's emotions. You need to be emotionally liquid to invest in a new connection.
How the calculator logic works
The tool works like a balance sheet. You input your available assets in each category. Then you input the estimated cost of your desired dating activity. The calculator subtracts the cost from the assets to see if you are in the black or in the red.
The Asset Column
We ask you to look at your "Discretionary Income" and your "Free Evenings" and your "Social Battery." Be realistic. If you are an introvert your social battery might only be good for two hours of socializing a week. If you are broke your financial asset is zero. Do not project who you want to be. Input who you are right now.
The Liability Column
We ask what kind of dating you want. Do you want "High End Dining" dates? That has a high financial cost. Do you want "Hiking" dates? That has a low financial cost but a high time cost. Do you want "Hookups"? That has a high grooming cost but a low emotional cost. Every type of date has a price tag attached to it.
The App Fatigue factor
We need to talk specifically about the apps because they are the gatekeepers of modern non-monogamy. Unless you are incredibly lucky and meet people in the wild you will be on Feeld or Tinder or Bumble. These apps are designed to be addictive. They are designed to keep you swiping not to get you off the app.
The calculator applies a "conversion rate" to your time. It assumes that for every 100 swipes you get 1 match. For every 10 matches you get 1 conversation. For every 5 conversations you get 1 date. This funnel is brutal. It means you have to put in a massive amount of "top of funnel" work to get one result. Many people open their relationship and close it two weeks later simply because they hate the apps. They realize the Return on Investment or ROI is too low for the effort required.
The Hotel Bill reality check
One of the biggest hidden costs is location. If you live with your partner and you have a "no hosting" rule you are homeless. You have nowhere to go. You cannot have sex in a car like you are a teenager because your back hurts. You have to rent space.
Hotels are expensive. Airbnbs have cleaning fees. Some couples split the cost but often the person who is "hosting" ends up paying. If you are the man in a heterosexual dynamic you are often expected to pay for the room. This adds up fast. Our calculator includes a "Venue Module" that estimates your monthly rent for sex. If you cannot afford the room you cannot afford the date.
Scenario A: The "Champagne Taste on a Beer Budget"
You want to be a sophisticated dater. You imagine rooftop bars and boutique hotels. You input this into the calculator.
The Input: Income is average. Desired activity is luxury dating. Frequency is weekly.
The Result: You are bankrupt in week two. The stress of the credit card bill creates fights with your primary partner. You end up resenting the open relationship because it is making you poor.
The Fix: You have to downgrade your lifestyle. You switch to coffee dates and walks in the park. It is less glamorous but it is sustainable.
Scenario B: The "Burned Out Parent"
You have two kids and a full time job. You want to feel sexy again. You input your time.
The Input: Free time is 9 PM to 11 PM on Tuesdays. Energy level is low.
The Result: You match with people but you never reply because you fall asleep holding your phone. You ghost everyone accidentally. You feel guilty.
The Fix: You need to hire a babysitter. That increases the financial cost but buys you the time asset. You cannot date without childcare. It is a pay to play system for parents.
The emotional cost of rejection
The calculator tries to quantify the unquantifiable. Rejection hurts. In the dating world you will be rejected constantly. People will stop replying. People will stand you up. This takes a toll on your self esteem. We call this the "Ego Tax."
If your self worth is low you pay a higher tax. A single rejection might ruin your whole week. If your self worth is high the tax is low. You shrug it off. You need to assess your emotional resilience. If you are currently in a fragile place the cost of entry might be too high for you right now.
Optimizing your dating efficiency
If the calculator says you don't have enough resources you don't have to give up. You just have to be smarter. You have to optimize your admin.
Batching your swipes
Do not swipe all day. It distracts you from work. Set a timer for 20 minutes a day. Power swipe. Then put the phone away. This reduces the "Thumb Equity" cost while keeping the pipeline full.
The "Uniform" strategy
Reduce the Grooming Tax by having a "First Date Uniform." Pick one outfit that makes you look great. Wear it on every first date. It saves you the mental energy of deciding what to wear. It reduces the decision fatigue.
The "Cheap Date" filter
Filter for partners who like low cost activities. Put "Lover of dive bars and hiking" in your profile. This attracts people who will not expect a $200 dinner. It aligns your financial reality with your dating pool.
Glossary of Admin terms
To audit your life you need to know the business terms of dating.
- The Swipe Funnel The statistical probability of turning a swipe into a date. It is a numbers game.
- Hosting The ability to have a date in your own home. This is the biggest cost saver in the lifestyle.
- Dating Inflation The rising cost of food and drink that impacts the viability of frequent dating.
- Ghosting When a match stops replying. It is a waste of your invested time and emotional energy.
- Catfishing When someone looks nothing like their photos. It is a total loss of the time and money spent on the date.
- NRE Chasing Spending all your resources on the high of a new person often at the expense of your primary budget.
The conversation about money
This calculator forces you to talk about money with your spouse. This is often harder than talking about sex. You need to agree on a "Dating Budget." Is it fair if one partner spends $500 a month and the other spends $50? Usually not.
Create a "Fun Fund" for each person. You get an allowance. If you blow it all on one fancy date that is your choice. If you save it for a weekend trip that is your choice. But once the fund is dry the dating stops. This prevents the open relationship from eating into your mortgage payments or your retirement savings.
Why this tool matters
We are not trying to discourage you. We are trying to prepare you. The couples who succeed are the ones who treat this like a project. They manage the project. They budget for the project. They do not just hope for the best.
When you use this calculator you are taking control. You are saying "I value my time and I value my money and I value my sanity." That is a very attractive quality. It makes you a better partner because you are not a chaotic mess. You are a deliberate architect of your own joy. Run the numbers. See where you stand. Then go out and have fun within your means.
Frequently asked questions
Can I date if I am broke
Yes but it is harder. You have to be creative. You have to find free things to do. You have to be upfront about your budget. Many people find "picnic dates" or "coffee walks" charming. You just have to filter out the people who expect luxury. Do not try to fake wealth. It is exhausting and unsustainable.
Does the calculator account for gender differences
Yes. The dating market is different for men and women. Women often pay a higher "Grooming Tax" and "Safety Tax" (Ubers vs walking). Men often pay a higher "Financial Tax" (paying for dinner) and "Swipe Tax" (lower match rates). The tool adjusts for these market realities.
What if I have money but no time
You can solve money problems with time but you cannot easily solve time problems with money unless you outsource everything. If you are a high earner with zero time you might need to look for a "Sugar" dynamic or a very casual "Comet" dynamic where the time expectation is low. You cannot support a full girlfriend/boyfriend structure.
Is it tacky to ask to split the bill
In the open relationship world it is not tacky. It is practical. Everyone is managing multiple partners and multiple budgets. Splitting the bill or "Dutch" dating is very common. It removes the power dynamic and keeps things sustainable. Have the conversation before the check arrives.
How much time does the average person spend on apps
Studies show the average user spends about 90 minutes a day on dating apps. That is over ten hours a week. That is a part time job. If you do not have ten hours to spare you need to be very disciplined with your usage or accept a slower flow of dates.
What is the "Safety Tax"
This is the cost of ensuring physical safety. It includes paying for your own Uber so you don't have to get in a stranger's car. It includes paying for a background check service. It includes buying your own drink so it isn't tampered with. It is a sad reality but a necessary line item in the budget.