Love might be infinite but time is strictly limited to one hundred and sixty eight hours a week. This is the brutal math that breaks more hearts than jealousy ever could. You are here because you have a lot of love to give. You want to open your relationship or maybe you are already Polyamorous and thinking about adding a new partner to the mix. That is wonderful. We love that for you. But we also know that you probably have a job and a need to sleep and maybe a nesting partner who actually likes to see your face occasionally. Most people overestimate their free time by a massive margin. They think they can fit a whole new boyfriend or girlfriend into their life just by "making it work" or "being spontaneous." That is a lie. That is how you end up crying in your car at 11 PM because you forgot to eat dinner and you have disappointed everyone you love including yourself. At The Monogamy Experiment we believe in romance but we believe in logistics even more. This guide accompanies our calculator tool to help you perform a forensic audit of your week. It is time to find out if you are actually available or if you are just delusional.
The Do I Have Time For Polyamory Calculator acts as a budget planner for your existence. Just like you cannot spend money you do not have you cannot spend hours you do not have. If you try to spend time on credit you pay interest in the form of burnout and resentment. This tool breaks your life down into fifteen distinct modules. We are going to subtract your biological needs and your capitalist obligations and your domestic chores from your total weekly asset of 168 hours. Whatever is left over is your "Relationship Capacity." It might be twenty hours. It might be three hours. Knowing this number is the difference between being a responsible partner and being a chaotic tornado of broken promises.
The myth of "making time"
You have heard the saying that "if they wanted to they would" or "you make time for what is important." Those are cute quotes for Instagram. They are terrible advice for Poly people. You cannot make time. You can only reallocate it. If you add ten hours of dating to your week you have to take ten hours away from something else. Usually people take it away from sleep or from their existing partner. This is called "robbing Peter to date Paul" and it is a recipe for disaster. We need to stop pretending that we are wizards who can stretch the fabric of spacetime just because we have a crush on someone new.
When you meet someone new you are flooded with New Relationship Energy or NRE. This is a powerful chemical cocktail that makes you feel energized and awake even when you are exhausted. It tricks you into thinking you can survive on four hours of sleep and zero downtime. That lasts for about three months. Then the chemicals wear off and you crash. You realize you have overcommitted yourself. You realize you haven't been to the gym in six weeks and your laundry pile is a sentient being. This calculator is your inoculation against that crash. It forces you to look at your "steady state" capacity rather than your "manic crush" capacity.
Module one is the biological non-negotiables
We start with the things you need to do to stay alive. You cannot negotiate these down without suffering health consequences. If you are dead you cannot date anyone so please prioritize these numbers.
Sleep and hygiene
The average human needs eight hours of sleep a night. Some claim they can do six. We are going to use realistic numbers. 8 hours times 7 days is 56 hours a week gone instantly. That is one third of your life. Then add showering and brushing your teeth and staring at the mirror wondering who you are. Let us call that another 5 hours a week. We are already down 61 hours and you haven't even left the house yet.
Eating and food prep
Unless you have a personal chef you spend time dealing with food. This includes grocery shopping and cooking and eating and cleaning the dishes. Even if you order takeout you spend time scrolling the app and waiting for the driver. Be honest with the calculator. Do you spend an hour a night on dinner? That is 7 hours. Do you do a big shop on Sunday? Add 2 hours. This is time you cannot be texting your new lover because your hands are covered in dish soap.
Module two is the capitalist obligation
Most of us have to work to pay for the dates we want to go on. This is the biggest chunk of your waking life and it is usually rigid. You cannot leave early just because you have a date.
The work and commute block
Do not just put 40 hours. That is rookie math. You have to include the commute. If you drive 30 minutes each way that is 5 hours a week. Do you answer emails at night? Do you have a side hustle? Do you have to stay late on Fridays? Put the real number in. If you are working 50 hours a week plus a commute you are already operating at a deficit before you even consider your social life.
Module three is the domestic reality
This is where the resentment usually breeds. If you live alone you only have to clean up after yourself. If you live with a Nesting Partner or have children this module is massive. If you ignore this module your house falls apart and your spouse hates you.
Chores and maintenance
Who does the laundry? Who mows the lawn? Who pays the bills? Who takes the dog to the vet? These are the "invisible tasks" of adulthood. They take time. If you start dating a new person and suddenly stop doing your share of the chores your Nesting Partner will notice. They will feel like they are subsidizing your affair by doing your laundry while you are out having fun. That is not ethical. That is exploitation. Estimate at least 5 to 10 hours a week for this bucket.
The parenting tax
If you have kids your free time is not really free. It is "on call" time. Even if the kids are asleep you might need to be home. You have to drive them to soccer and help with homework and deal with tantrums. Parenting is a full time job. If you have young children your "Relationship Capacity" might be near zero and that is okay. You need to accept that reality rather than resent it.
Module four is the existing relationship tax
If you have a Primary or Nesting Partner you cannot just put them in storage while you date others. You have to maintain that bond. If you stop dating your spouse to date a stranger your marriage will die. It is that simple.
The baseline connection
How many hours a week does your partner need to feel loved? This includes focused date nights where phones are away. It includes couch time. It includes sex. It includes just talking about your day. Be specific. If you need two date nights a week that is maybe 8 hours. If you need an hour of connection every night that is 7 hours. This is "blocked" time. You cannot use this time to swipe on Tinder.
Module five is the "You" time
This is the bucket that always gets emptied first and it is the reason people burnout. You need time to be a human being by yourself. You need time to go to the gym or read a book or play video games or just stare at a wall.
The sanity buffer
Introverts need more of this than extroverts. If you drain this tank to fill your dating tank you will become irritable and anxious. You will not be a good partner to anyone because you will be a shell of a person. Protect this time fiercely. Calculate at least 3 to 5 hours a week for pure selfish existence.
The calculation reveal
Now we do the math. You take 168. You subtract sleep. Subtract work. Subtract chores. Subtract kids. Subtract your spouse. Subtract the gym. What is left? For the average adult with a full time job and a partner the number is usually shockingly low. It is often between 5 and 15 hours. That is it. That is your budget.
What does your number mean
0 to 5 Hours: Polysaturated.
You are full. You do not have time for a relationship. You might have time for a "Comet" (someone you see once a month) or a casual hookup every now and then. But you do not have time for a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you try to force it you will destroy your other commitments. Be honest with potential matches. Tell them "I have about four hours a month free."
5 to 10 Hours: The Casual Zone.
You have time for one date a week and some texting. This is enough for a "Secondary" partner who is also busy or highly independent. This is not enough for someone who wants to merge lives or needs daily support. You can date but keep it light.
10 to 20 Hours: The Relationship Material.
You have time for a real relationship. You can do sleepovers. You can do weekend trips occasionally. You have the bandwidth to process emotions and handle a crisis. This is a healthy amount of space for a committed secondary partner.
20+ Hours: The Time Billionaire.
You either work part time or you have no kids and no nesting partner. You are a catch in the poly world because you are actually available. However be careful not to overwhelm partners who are in the 5 to 10 hour bracket. Your availability might feel like pressure to them.
The hidden costs of Polyamory
The calculator gives you the raw hours but there are hidden taxes on your time that you need to account for. These are the things that eat up your "free" hours without you noticing.
The digital commute
Polyamory involves an insane amount of texting. You are managing multiple group chats and scheduling calendars and processing feelings via text. This takes a toll. It interrupts your work and your sleep. It fragments your attention. You might physically be sitting on the couch for two hours but if you are texting the whole time you are not resting.
The emotional processing time
When things go wrong in a relationship it takes time to fix them. If you have a fight with Partner B you might spend three hours talking it out. That is three hours you planned to spend sleeping or seeing Partner A. Crisis time is unpredictable but inevitable. You need a "buffer" in your schedule for when feelings get hurt.
The literal commute
Unless your partners all live in the same apartment building you are going to spend time in transit. If your new lover lives 45 minutes away a "quick dinner" becomes a four hour commitment. Travel time is the silent killer of poly relationships. The "radius" of your dating pool should be determined by your free hours. If you only have 5 hours a week you cannot date someone who lives an hour away.
Realistic scenarios to consider
Let us look at how this plays out in real life. These are the people who usually fail the calculator test.
The Optimistic Newbie
He works 60 hours a week in finance. He has a wife and two toddlers. He wants a girlfriend. He thinks he can see her "after the kids go to bed."
The Reality: After the kids go to bed he is exhausted. His wife needs him to help clean up. If he leaves at 9 PM to see a girlfriend he will be tired at work the next day. He will snap at his kids. His wife will resent him for leaving her with the mess. He has 0 hours available but is trying to spend 10.
The Social Butterfly
She has a nesting partner and three other "casual" partners. She thinks casual means "no time commitment."
The Reality: Even casual partners need maintenance. They have birthdays. They have bad days. She spends her entire life looking at her phone coordinating schedules. She has no time for herself. She eventually gets sick because her immune system crashes from lack of rest. She is technically "polysaturated" but emotionally starving.
How to maximize your score
If you ran the numbers and you are depressed because you got a low score do not panic. You can restructure your life to buy back time. This is called "Time Hygiene."
Batching and scheduling
Stop trying to be spontaneous. Spontaneity is inefficient. Schedule everything. Schedule your laundry. Schedule your date nights. If you batch your chores into one "power hour" you save time. If you meal prep on Sunday you save 5 hours during the week. Efficiency creates capacity.
The power of "No"
You have to cut the fat. Do you really need to go to that happy hour with coworkers you don't like? Do you really need to watch three hours of TikTok every night? If you want a relationship you have to sacrifice low value activities. You are trading passive consumption for active connection.
Integrating partners
This is advanced level stuff. If you practice "Kitchen Table Polyamory" you can hang out with multiple people at once. If your husband and your boyfriend get along you can all watch a movie together. This counts as quality time for both. However do not force this just to save time. That is lazy and usually backfires.
Glossary of time terms
To use the calculator effectively you need to understand the lingo of logistics.
- Polysaturated The state of being at maximum capacity for relationships. You cannot take on anyone else without dropping a ball.
- Comet A partner you see rarely perhaps once a month or when they are in town. This requires very low time investment but high trust.
- Nesting Partner The partner you live with. They usually consume the most default time because you share a domestic life.
- Anchor Partner A partner who provides stability and support but whom you might not live with. They require significant time investment.
- Time Blindness The inability to accurately estimate how long things take. This is common in people with ADHD and people in NRE.
- Hinge The person who is dating two or more people. They are the "hinge" connecting the partners. Being a hinge is a time management job.
The conversation with new partners
Once you have your number you need to use it. When you go on a first date do not just talk about your hobbies. Talk about your math. Say "I have run the numbers and I honestly have about one night a week and some texting availability. Is that enough for you?"
This is the sexiest thing you can say. It shows you are self aware. It shows you are respectful of their time. It sets expectations immediately. If they need a partner who is available 24/7 they can walk away now before anyone gets hurt. If they are also busy they will be relieved to hear that you are not going to be demanding. Your capacity is not a flaw. It is a feature of your current life reality.
Frequently asked questions
What if my number is negative
If you run the calculator and you end up with a negative number you are in a time debt. You are likely sleep deprived or neglecting your current partner. You absolutely should not date anyone new. You need to fire a commitment. Maybe you quit the gym or you hire a cleaner or you step back at work. You need to get back to zero before you can add a plus one.
Does living together save time
Yes and no. It saves travel time because you wake up in the same place. But it increases domestic labor time because you are managing a household together. Also "default time" spent staring at phones in the same room does not count as "quality time." You still need to carve out intentional dating hours even if you live together.
Can I just sleep less
No. We strictly forbid this strategy. Sleep deprivation makes you irritable and emotionally volatile. Polyamory requires high emotional intelligence and patience. If you are tired you will pick fights and you will misinterpret texts. Sleep is the foundation of your ability to be a good partner.
What if my partner has more time than me
This is a common imbalance. If your partner is unemployed and you work 60 hours they might feel neglected while you feel overwhelmed. You need to be clear that your lack of availability is about physics not about love. They need to find other things to fill their time like hobbies or other partners so they are not waiting by the phone for you.
Does texting really count as time
Yes. It is "cognitive load." If you are constantly switching your brain from "work mode" to "flirty text mode" you are burning energy. It breaks your focus. We recommend scheduling "texting windows" rather than being available all day. Tell your partners "I am offline from 9 to 5 but I will text you on my lunch break."
How do I tell someone I don't have time for them anymore
Be honest and take responsibility. Do not say "work is crazy." Say "I overestimated my capacity and I am currently polysaturated. I cannot give this relationship the time it deserves and that is not fair to you." It hurts but it is respectful. It releases them to find someone who does have time.
Can I multitask dates
You can try but be careful. Taking a date to run errands with you is risky. Some people find it domestic and cute to go grocery shopping together. Others find it insulting. Always ask first. "I have zero free time this week but I have to go to IKEA. Do you want to come with me?" It is a gamble but it can work for the right person.
What about sex time
Sex takes time. Not just the act itself but the buildup and the cleanup and the cuddling after. If you are scheduling a "quickie" make sure your partner is okay with that efficiency. Most people want to feel romanced not processed. Don't skimp on the foreplay just to beat the clock.