Theory is a beautiful place where everyone is rational and nobody gets jealous and the logistics always work out perfectly. Reality is a messy place where you cry in a parking lot because your partner ordered "your" appetizer with someone else. If you are reading this you are likely considering Ethical Non-Monogamy or ENM. You have probably had the long conversations about rules and boundaries. You have probably nodded your head and said things like "I just want you to be happy" and believed it. That is great. But the gap between "cool theory" and "visceral reality" is where most relationships go to die. We built the ENM Reality Check Simulator to bridge that gap. This is not a fun personality quiz. This is a stress test for your heart. We are going to throw specific and gritty and uncomfortable scenarios at you. Your job is to close your eyes and truly imagine them happening right now. If you can survive the simulator you might just survive the lifestyle.
Most couples crumble not because they disagree on the big stuff but because they are unprepared for the small stuff. It is easy to agree to "you can have sex with other people." It is much harder to agree to "you can come home smelling like someone else's expensive cologne." The brain processes abstract concepts very differently than it processes sensory details. This guide forces you to confront those details before there is another human being involved who could get hurt. We are going to walk through four levels of intensity. Grab a drink and maybe a stress ball. Let us get real.
How to run the simulation
You cannot just read these scenarios and shrug. That is cheating. You need to sit with your partner in a quiet room. Put your phones away. Read one scenario out loud. Then you must both close your eyes for sixty seconds. Visualize the scene in high definition. Smell the smells. Hear the sounds. Feel the pit in your stomach. After the sixty seconds are up you answer two questions. First asks "What was my immediate physical reaction?" Second asks "What is the specific rule or protocol we have to handle this?" If you do not have a protocol then you do not pass the level. You must create one before moving on.
Level one is the petty stuff that matters
We start with the "mildly annoying" category. These are the things that seem silly to argue about but will absolutely ruin your Tuesday night if you are not ready for them. These scenarios test your ego and your patience regarding daily logistics.
Scenario A: The Texting Interruption
You are sitting on the couch watching your favorite show together. It is your designated "quality time." Your partner's phone buzzes on the coffee table. They glance at it and a small smile creeps across their face. They do not pick it up but you know exactly who it is. It is the new person they have been chatting with on Feeld. They spend the next ten minutes of the show seemingly distracted and checking their watch.
The Simulator Check: Does this make you feel neglected or happy for them? Do you have a "phones down" rule during dates? Is a smile at a text considered an intrusion on your intimacy or just a harmless dopamine hit? Many couples fight because one partner feels "present in body but absent in spirit."
Scenario B: The Scheduling Tetris
You want to go to the movies this Friday. You ask your partner on Tuesday. They check their calendar and say "Sorry I actually have a date with Sarah that night." You realize that you are now competing for prime weekend slots with a stranger. You are stuck at home with the dog while they are out having fun. Next weekend is also booked because it is their friend's birthday.
The Simulator Check: How does it feel to hear the word "No" from your spouse because of a date? Do you have a calendar hierarchy? Is the primary partner guaranteed Friday nights or is it first come first served? Resentment builds in the gaps of a busy calendar.
Level two is the ego bruise section
Now we get a little deeper. These scenarios attack your sense of self worth. In a monogamous relationship you are the "one and only." In ENM you are "one of many" or at least "one of two." That shift can be a massive blow to the ego even if you logically want this.
Scenario C: The Imbalance of Power
You have been on the apps for a month. You have sent fifty likes and crafted thoughtful messages. You have zero matches. Meanwhile your partner installed the app yesterday. They have ninety nine likes and three dates lined up for next week. They are complaining about how "exhausting" it is to sort through all the attention. You are sitting there feeling like the most undesirable person on the planet.
The Simulator Check: Can you handle the disparity? This is extremely common especially in heterosexual couples where women often get more initial attention than men. Do you have a plan for supporting the partner who is in a "drought"? Or will the successful partner just say "sucks to be you" and go on their date?
Scenario D: The Public Sightings
You live in a medium sized town. You are at the grocery store buying milk. You bump into your neighbor Karen. Karen gives you a pitying look and says "Oh honey I saw your husband at that Italian place with a blonde woman last night. I am so sorry." She thinks he is cheating. She thinks you are a victim. You now have to decide whether to out yourself as ENM or just play dumb.
The Simulator Check: How much do you care about your reputation? Are you "out" to the community? If not are you comfortable with people thinking you are being cheated on? The social pressure of non-monogamy is a weight that many people forget to calculate.
Level three is the sacred ground violations
Every couple has "their things." Maybe it is a song. Maybe it is a restaurant. Maybe it is a specific sexual act. When those sacred things get shared with others it can feel like a betrayal even if it does not technically break a rule. This level tests your emotional boundaries.
Scenario E: The Restaurant Incident
Your partner comes home raving about a new sushi spot. They say "The toro was amazing you have to try it." You realize it is the place you have been begging them to take you to for months. They took their date there instead. They experienced the "newness" of it with someone else. You now get the sloppy seconds experience of going there.
The Simulator Check: Do you have "sanctuary" locations? Is it okay to recycle date ideas? To some people a restaurant is just food. To others it is a memory bank. If you do not define your sacred ground someone is going to trample on it by accident.
Scenario F: The "Better" Sex Comment
You are lying in bed after intimacy. You ask "Did you have fun with Mark last night?" Your partner is in a blissed out state and says "Oh my god yes. He did this thing with his tongue that I have never felt before. It was mind blowing." They are not trying to be mean. They are just sharing. But you hear "He is better than you."
The Simulator Check: Can you handle the comparison? Compersion (feeling joy for your partner) is great but it often dies instantly when faced with a direct ranking of skill. Do you have a rule about how much detail is shared? Is "ignorance is bliss" a better policy for your ego?
Scenario G: The Mark of the Beast
Your partner walks in the door after a date. They take off their scarf and there is a giant purple hickey on their neck. They have a work presentation tomorrow. They also have dinner with your parents on Sunday. That mark is a physical claim of ownership by someone else on your partner's body.
The Simulator Check: Are marks allowed? Hickeys and scratches and bite marks are primal. Seeing them can trigger a very primitive "mate guarding" response. If you see a mark do you feel turned on or do you feel like vomiting? Be honest.
Level four is the total disaster zone
These are the scenarios nobody wants to talk about. These are the "Oh Sh*t" moments. If you do not have a plan for these you are driving a car without an airbag. You must discuss these before you open the door to anyone.
Scenario H: The Broken Condom
Your partner calls you at 2 AM. They are crying. They say "We were safe but the condom broke." They are now potentially exposed to STIs and there is a risk of pregnancy with someone who is not you. The theoretical safety net has failed. Reality is now medical and urgent.
The Simulator Check: What is the medical protocol? Is it Plan B immediately? Is it STI testing the next day? Is there a pause on intimacy between the two of you until the tests come back clean? Panic helps nobody here. You need a checklist.
Scenario I: The "I Love Them" Confession
You agreed to "no feelings." You agreed it was "just sex." It has been six months. Your partner sits you down and says "I didn't mean for this to happen but I think I am in love with them. I don't want to stop seeing them." The rulebook says the relationship ends. The heart says otherwise.
The Simulator Check: Do rules trump feelings? If you force them to break up they will resent you. If you let them continue you have fundamentally changed the relationship structure to Polyamory. Which kind of pain are you willing to endure? This is the most common relationship killer in ENM.
Scenario J: The Veto Backlash
You use your veto power. You tell your partner "I get a bad vibe from this guy. You have to stop seeing him." Your partner gets angry. They say "You are just being controlling. You are jealous and you are trying to ruin my fun." They refuse to stop. The veto was supposed to be the ultimate safety brake but the brake line has been cut.
The Simulator Check: What happens when one person says stop and the other says go? Is the relationship over? Or do you go to counseling? Authority in a relationship is an illusion. You only have influence. If your influence fails what is your backup plan?
Analysis of the simulation results
Okay you made it through. Take a deep breath. Look at your partner. Do you still like them? That is a good sign. Now we need to categorize your reactions to see where your weak points are.
The "Visceral Rejectors"
If you felt physical nausea or extreme anger during Level 1 or Level 2 scenarios you might not be ready for ENM. That is okay. It is better to know now. Your body is telling you that your attachment style is currently too anxious to handle the instability. You need to work on your foundation before you add a second story to the house.
The "Logistical Nightmares"
If you felt fine emotionally but got stressed about the calendars and the money and the time management then you are ready but you are disorganized. You need a shared Google Calendar and a budget meeting. Your heart is fine but your administration skills need an upgrade. ENM is 10% sex and 90% scheduling.
The "Ego Fragile"
If the comparison scenarios (Level 3) destroyed you then you have some self worth work to do. This is very common. You need to separate your value as a human being from your sexual performance or your dating market value. Your partner loves you for a million reasons that have nothing to do with Tinder matches.
Glossary of terms for the simulator
You need the right words to describe the feelings you just felt. Here is your toolkit.
- NRE (New Relationship Energy) The chemical high of a new crush. It makes people act stupid and forget their existing responsibilities. It is the cause of most "Scenario A" problems.
- Compersion The opposite of jealousy. It is the happiness you feel when your partner is happy with someone else. It is the goal but it is not a requirement.
- Veto Power The ability for one partner to unilaterally end the other partner's outside relationship. It is controversial. Some see it as safety while others see it as control.
- Fluid Bonding Sharing bodily fluids or having barrier free sex. This is a major medical and emotional milestone that drastically changes your risk profile.
- Metamour Your partner's partner. The person who is sitting across from your spouse at the sushi restaurant in Scenario E.
- Kitchen Table Polyamory A style where everyone hangs out together. If you hated the idea of meeting the metamour this style is not for you.
- Parallel Polyamory A style where relationships are kept separate. You do not hear about the dates and you do not meet the other partners. This is the solution for the "Scenario F" people.
Advanced troubleshooting for simulator failures
So you failed a scenario. You fought about it. Good. Fighting now saves you a divorce later. Here is how to patch the holes you found.
Fixing the "Sacred Ground" issues
Make a physical list of "Us" things. Write down the name of the restaurant where you had your first date. Write down the show you are binge watching. Declare these "Monogamous Zones." Everything else is fair game. This creates a safe harbor where the primary relationship is protected from outside influence.
Fixing the "TMI" issues
Adopt a "Need to Know" policy initially. You can always loosen the rules later. Start with minimal details. "I am going out. I will be safe. I will be home by midnight." If that feels okay you can add "We had dinner." If that feels okay you can add more. You cannot unhear a detail so start slow.
Fixing the "Imbalance" issues
The partner with more dates needs to be the "Custodian of Care" for the partner with fewer dates. If you are going out three times a week you need to make sure you are planning three awesome dates for your spouse too. Do not let the NRE drain the energy from the marriage. The person sitting at home needs extra love and extra reassurance.
Why reality is better than fantasy
This simulator sounds harsh because it is designed to strip away the fantasy. In the fantasy you are the cool couple who has it all. In reality you are just two humans trying to navigate complex emotions. But here is the secret. The reality is actually better than the fantasy because it is real. When you navigate a messy scenario and come out the other side still holding hands you build a level of trust that monogamous couples rarely experience. You know that you can face the uncomfortable truth and survive. That makes you bulletproof.
Do not be afraid of the mess. Embrace it. Plan for it. Laugh about it. If you can laugh about the time your partner accidentally called you their girlfriend's name you have won the game. If you can't laugh about it yet then keep running the simulator until you can.
Frequently asked questions
What if I felt sick during every single scenario
Then you are likely monogamous by nature or you are currently in a very insecure attachment place. Do not force yourself into ENM just to make your partner happy. That is a recipe for trauma. Listen to your gut reaction. It is trying to protect you. Take a break from the idea and revisit it in six months if you want but do not push through the nausea.
Is it normal to be okay with sex but not okay with the sushi dinner
Yes absolutely. Emotional intimacy often feels more threatening than physical intimacy for many people. Sharing a special meal feels like "dating" which implies romance. Sex can feel like "sport" which implies fun. You can have a rule that says "hookups only no dates" if that protects your heart better.
How do we handle the public sighting if we have kids
This is tricky. You have to protect your children from gossip. Most parents in the lifestyle have a strict "no PDA in the local town" rule. You drive to the next city over for your dates. You keep your profiles hidden or faceless. You prioritize the privacy of the family unit over the freedom of the date.
Can we change our answers to the simulator later
Yes relationships evolve. What scares you today might be boring tomorrow. Run the simulator again every six months. You might find that you have become desensitized to the jealousy or that you have developed new triggers that you did not expect. Keep the conversation alive.
What if my partner refuses to do the simulator
That is a red flag. If they are not willing to talk about the hard stuff they are not ready for the lifestyle. ENM requires excessive communication. Refusing to engage in a "what if" conversation suggests they are avoiding reality. Do not open up until they are willing to sit down and do the work.
Does a veto actually work in real life
Rarely. A veto usually causes resentment and secrecy. Instead of a veto try to express your needs. Instead of saying "You can't see her" say "I feel insecure when you see her because X Y Z." Address the root cause of the fear rather than just banning the person causing it.
How do I stop imagining the scenarios after the exercise
It can be hard to shake the visuals. Go do something grounding with your partner immediately. Have sex. Cook a meal together. Go for a walk. Reconnect in the physical world to remind your brain that the scary scenario was just a thought experiment and that you are safe right now.
Is it cheating if we didn't discuss a specific scenario
Technically no but it feels like it. This is called the "loophole" problem. Do not be a lawyer in your relationship. If you know something would hurt your partner and you do it anyway because "there wasn't a rule against it" you are acting in bad faith. Operate on the principle of care not the principle of legality.