You would never try to build a house without a set of blueprints because you would end up with a toilet in the kitchen and no stairs to the bedroom. Yet this is exactly how most people approach ethical non-monogamy. They hear a word like Polyamory or Swinging and they just start hammering nails without checking if the foundation can hold the weight. You are here because you realized that the standard relationship model does not fit you. That is great. But the alternative is not just "open up and see what happens." That is a recipe for a collapsed roof and a lot of water damage. At The Monogamy Experiment we function as your Relationship Architect. We are here to help you draft the plans for a structure that actually fits the people living inside it. This guide acts as a personality test and a blueprint generator. It helps you cut through the confusing label soup of the ENM world and find the specific dynamic that matches your emotional bandwidth and your sexual appetite.
The problem is that people mix up the materials. They try to build a Polyamorous addition when they really just wanted a Swinging patio. Or they try to implement Relationship Anarchy when they actually crave the security of a Hierarchy. These mismatches cause immense pain. You end up trying to force yourself into a box that is too small or way too big. By the end of this guide you will understand the four main pillars of relationship structure. You will be able to identify which archetype you belong to. You will have a clear blueprint to show your partner so you can stop guessing and start building something that lasts.
The four pillars of your structure
Before we can name your style we have to measure your materials. Every non-monogamous relationship is built on four distinct pillars. Your preference for each pillar determines what kind of house you should be living in. Grab a pen and be honest with yourself about where you stand on these spectrums.
Pillar one is the emotional bandwidth
This is the big one. It asks a simple question. Do you want to love other people or do you just want to have sex with other people?
On one end of the spectrum is Pure Sport. This is recreational sex. It is fun and physical and leaves no emotional footprint. You high five afterwards and go home to your spouse.
On the other end is Deep Love. This involves romantic attachment and commitment and building a future.
If you try to do Deep Love when your partner only signed up for Pure Sport you are going to have a bad time. You need to decide if your heart is open or just your bedroom door.
Pillar two is the unit versus the individual
Do you move through the world as a "We" or an "I"?
The Unit model means you are a team. You do everything together. You date together. You play together. You are a package deal.
The Individual model means you are autonomous agents. You have your own dates and your own friends and your own lovers that your partner might never meet.
Swinging is almost always a Unit activity. Polyamory is often an Individual activity. Mixing these up is dangerous. If you want to be an Individual but your partner wants to be a Unit you will feel suffocated and they will feel abandoned.
Pillar three is the power dynamic
This creates the load bearing walls of your house. Is there a hierarchy?
Hierarchy means there is a Primary partner who comes first. Their needs override everyone else. They get the holidays and the joint bank account.
Equality means there is no ranking. Every partner gets an equal say in how resources are split.
Most married couples start with Hierarchy because they have a mortgage and kids. Trying to dismantle that Hierarchy overnight to be "fair" to a new partner usually leads to the collapse of the marriage. Be realistic about who holds the power.
Pillar four is the integration level
How much do you want your worlds to collide?
Kitchen Table means everyone hangs out. Your boyfriend has breakfast with your husband. Everyone gets along.
Parallel means the worlds never touch. Your husband knows you have a boyfriend but he doesn't want to hear about it or see him.
Forcing a Parallel person to sit at a Kitchen Table is torture. Forcing a Kitchen Table person to be Parallel feels like secrecy. You must align on this.
Blueprint A: The Social Swinger
The Profile: You love your partner and you want to do things with them. You view sex as a fun activity like tennis or dancing. You are not looking for another boyfriend or girlfriend. You are looking for playmates.
The Specs:
Emotional: Low. Feelings are reserved for the Primary.
Unit Status: High. You are a "We."
Power: High Hierarchy. The marriage is King.
Integration: High Social. You party with others but keep boundaries.
Why choose this blueprint: It is the safest entry point for many couples. It reinforces the primary bond because you are embarking on an adventure together. It limits the risk of falling in love and leaving.
The Trap: Catching feelings for a playmate. If you are not careful the emotional firewall can breach. Also finding other couples that you are both attracted to is statistically difficult. It requires patience.
Blueprint B: The Open Dater
The Profile: You value your independence. You want to experience sexual variety on your own terms. You love your spouse but you don't need to hold their hand while you flirt with a stranger. You want "Hall Pass" energy.
The Specs:
Emotional: Low to Medium. You might have friends with benefits but no romance.
Unit Status: Independent. You date solo.
Power: High Hierarchy. The spouse is still number one.
Integration: Parallel. You usually don't mix the worlds.
Why choose this blueprint: It allows for total autonomy. You don't have to find someone your partner also likes. It is efficient. You get your needs met and come home happy.
The Trap: The imbalance. One partner often gets way more dates than the other. This breeds resentment. Also without the "team" aspect the partner sitting at home can feel left out rather than included in the fun.
Blueprint C: The Polyamorous Nest
The Profile: You have so much love to give. You genuinely want to build connections. You are happy to manage complex emotions and calendars. You view love as infinite.
The Specs:
Emotional: High. Love is the goal.
Unit Status: Independent.
Power: Variable Hierarchy. You might have a nesting partner but love your secondary partner deeply.
Integration: Variable. Can be Kitchen Table or Parallel.
Why choose this blueprint: It is deeply fulfilling if you have the capacity. It builds a village of support. You are not relying on one person to meet all your needs.
The Trap: It is a logistical nightmare. Google Calendar becomes your god. The emotional processing load is immense. If you are lazy or bad at communication this house will burn down immediately. You are managing multiple heartbreaks and multiple joys simultaneously.
Blueprint D: The Relationship Anarchist
The Profile: You reject all labels and rules. You believe that no relationship should have authority over another just because a piece of paper says "marriage." You flow based on connection and consent alone.
The Specs:
Emotional: High Intimacy but Low Expectation.
Unit Status: Total Independence.
Power: Zero Hierarchy.
Integration: Organic.
Why choose this blueprint: It is the ultimate freedom. You are bound by nothing but desire and respect.
The Trap: It creates massive insecurity for most people. Without rules or titles it is hard to know where you stand. If you have a mortgage and kids this blueprint is extremely difficult to implement without hurting people who rely on your stability.
Blueprint E: The Monogamish Minimalist
The Profile: You are 95 percent monogamous. But once a year when you are at a conference or on a girls' trip you want the freedom to flirt or hook up without guilt. You don't want a "lifestyle." You just want a loophole.
The Specs:
Emotional: Zero.
Unit Status: Independent.
Power: Extreme Hierarchy.
Integration: Parallel.
Why choose this blueprint: It relieves the pressure of "forever" without changing the daily fabric of your life. It is low maintenance.
The Trap: The "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy often used here can hide secrets. If you catch an STI or catch feelings during your one night of freedom it can blow up the whole arrangement because you lack the communication skills of the full time lifestyle couples.
The personality test questions
You need to interview your partner to see which blueprint fits. Do not assume you know the answers. Ask these five questions and listen to the answers without interrupting.
Question One: The Jealousy Trigger
Imagine I am at a nice dinner with someone else. I am laughing and holding their hand. Does that make you feel angry or does it make you feel happy for me?
If Angry: Lean towards Swinging or Monogamish.
If Happy/Neutral: Lean towards Polyamory or Open Dating.
Question Two: The Resource Scarcity
We have one free Saturday night this month. Do you want to spend it with me or do you want to spend it on a date with someone else?
If With Me: Lean towards Unit based structures like Swinging.
If Someone Else: Lean towards Independent structures like Polyamory.
Question Three: The Bedroom Vibe
Do you want to see me having sex with someone else?
If Yes: You have voyeuristic tendencies suited for Swinging or Hotwifing.
If No: You need a Parallel structure where you don't see the evidence.
Question Four: The Crisis Call
If your new partner gets into a car accident at 2 AM do you rush to the hospital?
If Yes: That is Polyamory. That is a commitment.
If No: That is Swinging or Open Dating. That is a casual connection.
Question Five: The End Game
Do you hope this other person is in our lives for ten years?
If Yes: You are building a Poly family.
If No: You are just having fun for the season.
How to present the blueprints to your partner
Once you have a vague idea of what you want you need to draw it up. Do not just say "I want to be poly." Say "I want Blueprint C but with a heavy emphasis on Hierarchy." Specificity saves lives.
Sit down with a piece of paper. Draw two columns. Column A is "Must Haves." Column B is "Absolutely Nots."
Must Haves: Sleep in my own bed. Veto power. Meet the other person first.
Absolutely Nots: Sleepovers. Spending holiday money on dates. Bringing them to our favorite bar.
Compare your list with your partner. Where the lists overlap is your foundation. Where they conflict is where you need to negotiate or hire a contractor (therapist).
Renovating your structure later
Here is the secret that architects know. You can change the plans halfway through the build. You might start as Swingers (Blueprint A) and realize you hate the parties but love the connection. You can renovate into Poly (Blueprint C). This is called "Polyamory Under Duress" if you force it but it is called "Growth" if you agree to it.
Schedule a "Building Inspection" every three months. Sit down and ask "Is the roof leaking?" "Are the walls holding?" If the swinging lifestyle is making you feel insecure close the guest room for a while. If the parallel dating is making you feel lonely knock down a wall and try Kitchen Table. The structure serves you. You do not serve the structure.
Common architectural failures
We see the same buildings collapse over and over again. Watch out for these structural flaws.
The "OPP" Foundation
The "One Penis Policy." This is where a man allows his female partner to date women but not men. It is usually built on insecurity and the false belief that same sex relationships are "less real." It almost always crumbles because it devalues the woman's autonomy and fetishizes her desires. Build on equality or don't build at all.
The "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Basement
This sounds like a good idea to avoid jealousy. But secrets grow in the dark like mold. Eventually someone will see a text or find a receipt. When the truth comes out it looks like a lie because it was hidden. Transparency is the only way to keep the air clean.
The "Veto" Eject Button
Relying too heavily on Veto power (the right to end your partner's relationship) creates a hostile environment. It means the third person is disposable. It makes it impossible to build real connections because the rug can be pulled at any moment. Use Veto only for safety emergencies not for emotional discomfort.
Glossary of Terms
To read the blueprints you need to know the lingo.
- ENM Ethical Non-Monogamy. The umbrella term for all of this.
- Compersion The feeling of joy when your partner is happy with someone else. It is the opposite of jealousy.
- NRE New Relationship Energy. The "honeymoon phase" chemicals that make you act crazy.
- Metamour Your partner's partner.
- Polycule The connected network of people in a polyamorous web.
- Solo Poly Someone who has multiple partners but identifies as their own primary partner. They do not want to merge finances or households.
- Unicorn A bisexual woman willing to date a couple. They are rare and often mistreated hence the mythical name.
- Dragon A man willing to date a couple. Even rarer than a unicorn.
Frequently asked questions
Can we mix blueprints
Yes absolutely. One partner can be Polyamorous (Blueprint C) while the other is just Monogamish (Blueprint E). This is called a Mono-Poly dynamic. It is hard work because it feels unfair but if both people are getting their needs met it is valid. Fairness does not mean sameness.
What if I start as a swinger and catch feelings
This happens all the time. You have accidentally wandered into Blueprint C. You need to stop and confess immediately. You have to renegotiate the structure. If you try to hide the feelings to "follow the rules" you are essentially cheating emotionally. Be honest and see if the structure can expand to hold the love.
Is relationship anarchy just chaos
No. It is actually highly structured but the structure comes from within rather than from society. It requires more communication than any other style because you cannot rely on default assumptions. It is for advanced players who know exactly who they are.
How do I know if I am built for this
If the idea of your partner having freedom makes you curious rather than nauseous you are built for it. If you feel a visceral need to control your partner you might struggle. However many people learn the skills over time. It is a muscle you can build not just a trait you are born with.
What is the hardest blueprint to maintain
Kitchen Table Polyamory is often the hardest because it involves the most personalities. You have to manage your relationship plus the relationship between your partner and their partner plus the group dynamic. When it works it is beautiful. When it fails it is a car crash.
Can we close the relationship after opening it
Yes. You can always retreat to the safety of Monogamy. But be aware that you cannot "unsee" what you have seen. You will know that there are other options. Also if you have involved other people closing the relationship means breaking up with them. Please treat those people with kindness and not just as collateral damage in your experiment.
Why is everyone obsessed with labels
Labels are just shorthand. They help you find your tribe on dating apps. If you put "Swinger" on your profile you get invited to parties. If you put "Poly" you get invited to coffee. Using the right label saves you time and prevents awkward mismatches on the first date.
What if we disagree on the blueprint
If you want Blueprint A and they want Blueprint C you have a compatibility issue. You have to find the "Lowest Common Denominator." Usually this means sticking to the more conservative structure until the slower partner is ready to move. If you force the faster pace the relationship will break. The slowest hiker sets the pace for the group.