So you have decided to join the ranks of the stag and doe community and now you need a roadmap to keep things from getting messy. Welcome to the club. You are likely feeling a mix of extreme arousal and the kind of "what am I doing" panic that usually only happens right before a bungee jump. Do not worry. That is perfectly normal. At The Monogamy Experiment we believe that the best way to enjoy alternative relationship types is to have a rock solid set of rules that act as your safety net. This guide functions as your official rules generator. It is designed to help you and your partner sit down and pick the boundaries that fit your specific flavor of fun. We are going to cover every possible corner of this dynamic so you can stop worrying about the "what ifs" and start focusing on the fun.
Every couple is different. Some want a very strict set of laws that would make a librarian look chill. Others want a loose framework that allows for maximum spontaneity. There is no right way to do this as long as both of you are smiling and feeling secure. This generator is meant to be a conversation starter. You might look at some of these rules and think "absolutely not" and that is great. That is the generator doing its job. By identifying what you hate you are getting closer to what you love. Let us dive into the terminology so we are all speaking the same language before we start building your custom rulebook.
Essential terms for the modern hotwife
If you are going to play the game you need to know the lingo. The world of ethical non-monogamy or ENM is full of acronyms that can feel like alphabet soup. Here is the breakdown of what you need to know to sound like a pro.
Terms you need to know
- ENM Ethical Non-Monogamy. This is the big tent that covers everything from swinging to open marriages. It means everyone knows what is happening and everyone says yes.
- Hotwife A woman in a committed relationship who enjoys sexual encounters with other men. The husband is not just okay with it; he is usually the one driving the hype train.
- The Stag This is the husband or primary partner. He is the one watching from the sidelines or hearing the stories later.
- The Bull This is the outside man. He is the guest star in your movie. He should be respectful of your marriage and your house rules.
- Vetting This is the job of checking out potential bulls. You check their health status and their vibe and their ability to follow instructions.
- Lifestyle The general term for the community of people who practice swinging or hotwifing. You will often hear people say they are "in the lifestyle."
- OPP One Penis Policy. This is a common rule in some ENM circles where the only penis allowed in the bedroom belongs to the husband. In hotwifing we obviously throw this rule out the window.
- NRE New Relationship Energy. That dizzy and obsessed feeling you get when you first start seeing someone new. It can be a trap if you are not careful.
How to use this rules generator
Think of this article as a buffet. You are not going to eat everything on the table. You are going to look at the options and put the ones that look tasty on your plate. We have broken these down into categories. Sit with your partner and go through each section. If a rule makes both of you go "yes please" then it goes into your official rulebook. If one of you says "no way" then it stays off the list. The most important thing to remember is that a rule is only good if it makes both people feel better. Rules should provide freedom and not just restriction. When you know where the walls are you can dance as hard as you want in the middle of the room.
Category one: The "Who" rules
Who is allowed into your private playground? This is often the first place couples run into trouble because they assume they are on the same page when they are actually in different books. You need to be very specific here. The "who" determines the risk level for your emotional and social life.
The blacklist and the whitelist
Most couples start with a "no go" list. This usually includes coworkers and neighbors and close family friends. The reason is simple. If things get weird with a coworker you still have to see them on Monday morning. That is a recipe for a bad time. You should also discuss ex-boyfriends. Some husbands find the idea of an ex coming back into the picture very hot. Others find it threatening. Be honest about where you stand. You might also decide on an age range. Maybe you only want bulls who are around your age or maybe the whole point is to find someone younger or older. Put it in writing so there is no confusion later.
The Bull's personality and status
Does the bull need to be single or can he be in an open relationship himself? There are pros and cons to both. A single man might have more time and fewer complications but a man in an open relationship likely understands the rules of ENM better. You should also decide on the "vibe" of the bull. Do you want a professional man who is discreet and quiet? Or do you want a "bad boy" type who brings a different energy to the bedroom? Discussing these traits helps the wife know exactly who to look for when she is browsing the apps.
Category two: The "Where" rules
Location is everything. The environment where the magic happens can change the entire feel of the encounter. Some people find their own home to be a sanctuary while others find it to be a sacred space that should never be "invaded" by an outsider. There is no middle ground here so you have to pick a side.
Home field advantage or neutral territory
If you allow play in your home you need to decide if the husband is present or away. If he is away does he want to come home to a clean house or does he want the "evidence" of the encounter left behind? Some stags find the smell of a bull's cologne in the bedroom to be a huge turn on. Others find it upsetting. If you decide on neutral territory like a hotel you should decide who pays for it. Some couples expect the bull to pay as a "buy in" for the experience. Others prefer to pay themselves so they have total control over the environment and the checkout time.
Public versus private spaces
Are you okay with play happening in a semi-public place like a lifestyle club or a private party? These environments come with their own sets of rules and expectations. In a club you have the security of other people around but you also lose the intimacy of a one on one encounter. If you are just starting out many experts suggest starting in a private hotel room until you get your "sea legs" in the dynamic. It allows you to focus on each other without the distraction of a crowded room.
Category three: The "How" rules
This is where we get into the actual physical acts. This section of the rules generator is often the longest because there are so many variables. You need to talk about what is "on the table" and what is "off limits." Being vague here is a massive mistake. "Anything goes" is rarely actually true once the clothes come off.
Physical acts and protection
Protection is the most important part of any ENM dynamic. Most hotwife rules start with a mandatory condom policy for all penetrative sex. You should also discuss oral sex. Is protection required for that too? What about kissing? Believe it or not many couples find kissing to be more "intimate" than sex and choose to keep it just for themselves. You should also discuss specific fetishes. If the wife or the bull wants to try something new does she need to check in with the husband first? Having a "pre-approved" list of acts saves a lot of phone calls during a date.
The intensity level
Some stags love the idea of their wife being treated roughly or like a "queen" by the bull. Others want the encounters to be gentle and romantic. You need to define the "flavor" of the sex. Are marks like hickeys or scratches allowed? For some couples these are "trophies" of a good night. For others they are "scars" that cause anxiety. If the wife has a professional job where marks might be seen this is a very practical rule to establish early on.
Category four: The "Communication" rules
Communication is the fuel that keeps the hotwife engine running. Without it the whole thing stalls out and starts to smoke. You need to decide how much information is shared and when it is shared. This is the area where the most "course corrections" usually happen as you get more experienced.
Real time versus after the fact
Does the husband want to receive photos and videos during the date? This can be incredibly arousing but it can also be distracting if he is trying to do something else. Some couples use apps like Snapchat for "vanishing" updates. Others prefer a full debriefing session when the wife gets home. You should also discuss "live" options like a phone call or a video stream. If the husband is listening in does the bull know? Consent from the bull is vital if he is being "watched" or "heard" by a third party. Never skip this step or you risk your reputation in the community.
The "TMI" threshold
Some guys want to know every single word and every single groan. Others just want to know that the wife was safe and had a good time. You need to find your "Too Much Information" threshold. If the husband finds out that the bull was "better" in some specific way it might cause an ego bruise that takes a long time to heal. Discuss how you will handle the "comparison" aspect of the dynamic. The wife should be careful to frame the experience as something that "we" are doing together rather than something she is doing "instead" of her husband.
Category five: The "Aftercare" rules
The encounter doesn't end when the bull leaves. The "comedown" from a hotwife date can be intense. The wife might feel a "vulnerability hangover" and the husband might feel a sudden rush of "protectionism." This is why aftercare is a mandatory part of any rules generator. It is the glue that puts the primary relationship back together after it has been "opened" for a night.
The reconnection ritual
What happens in the first hour after the wife gets home? Some couples want immediate "reclaiming" sex to re-establish their bond. Others want to shower together and talk. Some just want to order a pizza and watch a movie and not talk about the date at all until the next day. This ritual is the most important part of the entire dynamic. It signals to the brain that the "game" is over and the "real life" is back in charge. You should also decide on a "grace period" for the next day where you both agree to be extra kind and extra attentive to each other.
Must-know safety tips for vetting
The rules are only as good as the people you let into your life. Vetting is the process of making sure a bull is a "fit" for your generator. Here are the "must-no's" when it comes to picking a partner.
- The "Secret" Bull If a man tells you he is in a "closed" marriage but his wife doesn't know he is hotwifing then he is not a bull. He is a cheater. Do not let him into your dynamic. He will bring nothing but drama and potential legal or social issues to your doorstep.
- The "Pushy" Bull If a man tries to negotiate your rules before he has even met you then he is a problem. Your rules are not a suggestion. They are the price of admission. If he can't respect them in a text message he won't respect them in the bedroom.
- The "No Test" Bull If a man refuses to show you a recent STI panel then the date is over. Your health is the one thing you can't get back once it is gone. A "clean" bull is a "welcome" bull.
- The "Drama" Bull If his life seems like a constant soap opera of ex-girlfriends and money problems and legal issues stay away. You want a bull who is a "stabilizing" force of fun and not a "chaotic" force of destruction.
Realistic scenarios for your rulebook
Let us look at some "field tests" for your rules. These are things that actually happen in the lifestyle and you should have an answer for them before they occur. Use these as a "final exam" for the rules you have generated.
Scenario one
The wife is at a hotel with a bull and he suggests going without a condom just for a minute because "it feels better." If your rule is "condoms always" the wife needs to know exactly how to handle this. Does she stop the encounter? Does she just say no? Having a pre-planned "hard line" makes it much easier to stand your ground in the heat of the moment.
Scenario two
The husband is at home waiting for a check-in text at 10 PM. The text doesn't come because the wife's phone died. What is the protocol? Does the husband call the hotel? Does he wait an hour? Setting an "emergency contact" plan prevents a night of fun from turning into a night of frantic worry. A good rule is to always have a backup charger or a way to contact the bull directly if things go dark.
Scenario three
The bull sends a "good morning beautiful" text the next day. Is the wife allowed to engage in "after-play" texting or is the encounter strictly "one and done"? Some couples find the ongoing flirting to be part of the fun. Others find it to be a boundary violation. Decide now so no one feels "cheated on" the next morning.
Advanced rules for seasoned couples
As you get more comfortable you might want to add some "expansion packs" to your rules. These are for couples who have been in the dynamic for a while and have built up a high level of trust and "compersion." Compersion is that beautiful feeling of being happy because your partner is happy.
The "Free Use" weekend
This is a rule where the husband gives the wife a specific window of time where she has "blanket permission" to play without checking in. This requires a massive amount of trust and a very solid understanding of each other's boundaries. It is often a "reward" or a "celebration" for a milestone in the relationship.
The "Bull Rotation" policy
Some couples decide to never see the same bull more than three times. This is designed to prevent "catch feelings" syndrome. By rotating the bulls you keep the energy high and the emotional risk low. It keeps the focus on the "variety" of the experience rather than the "connection" with the outside person.
A sample of a completed "Rules Generator" list
If you were to take the best parts of this guide and put them into a list it might look something like this. You can use this as a "quick start" guide for your first meeting.
- The Who Single men only. No coworkers. Age 25 to 45. Must provide recent health clearings.
- The Where Luxury hotels only. No play in the marital home. Bull pays for the room.
- The How Condoms for everything. No kissing. No anal sex. Marks are okay as long as they can be covered by a t-shirt.
- The Communication One photo during the date. A text when arriving and leaving. Full oral debriefing the next morning.
- The Aftercare Immediate shower together when the wife returns. The next 24 hours are "couple time" with no mentions of the bull.
Common pitfalls in rule making
Even with the best intentions you can make mistakes when building your generator. Watch out for these three big ones. They are the "rule killers" that can ruin a perfectly good dynamic.
- The "Kitchen Sink" mistake This is when you try to make a rule for literally every single second of the night. If the rulebook is 50 pages long the wife will be too stressed to enjoy herself. Keep it to the essentials. You can't control everything so don't try to.
- The "One Sided" mistake This is when the husband makes all the rules and the wife just has to follow them. This is a partnership. The wife needs to have a say in what she is comfortable with. If she feels like a "puppet" she will eventually lose interest in the game.
- The "Set it and Forget it" mistake You must revisit your rules. What was hot six months ago might be boring today. What was a "hard no" last year might be a "maybe" now. Keep the conversation open. Your relationship is growing and your rules should grow with it.
Frequently asked questions
What if we break a rule by accident
Breathe. It happens. The key is total and immediate honesty. Do not try to hide it. If a condom broke or a "no kissing" rule was forgotten tell your partner as soon as possible. Discuss why it happened and how to prevent it next time. If you have a solid foundation a single mistake won't break you. It is the cover-up that causes the real damage. Use it as a learning moment for your next "rules update."
Can the bull have a say in our rules
The bull can certainly express his own boundaries but he does not get a vote in your "household" rules. Your generator is for the two of you. If a bull doesn't like your rules he is free to find another couple. You should never "compromise" on your safety or your marriage to keep a bull happy. He is a guest and guests follow the house rules or they get asked to leave.
What is the most common rule in the hotwife community
The most common rule is almost always "Condoms for everything." Safety is the number one priority for almost every couple in the lifestyle. Closely following that is the "No Drama" rule where any outside partner who causes stress or emotional upheaval is immediately blocked. People do this for fun and if it stops being fun because of an outside person then that person has to go.
How do we handle a "veto" if one person changes their mind at the last second
A veto is absolute and final. If the wife is at the hotel and the husband sends a text saying "I can't do this tonight" the date stops. It doesn't matter how much the room cost or how "ready" everyone is. The primary relationship is the only thing that matters. This is why you should only play when both of you are feeling 100 percent "green light." If there is a "yellow light" then you should wait until another day.
Should our rules be different for "first dates" versus "repeat bulls"
Many couples find that they have "probationary" rules for new bulls. Maybe the first date is only "soft swap" or limited play until the bull proves he can follow the rules and be respectful. Once he has "earned" your trust you can move him into the "full play" category. This is a very smart way to manage risk and build confidence in your dynamic.
What if my husband wants a rule that I think is weird
Talk about it. Ask him why that specific rule is important to him. Usually there is a specific fantasy or a specific fear behind a "weird" rule. Once you understand the "why" you might find that you are more open to it or you might find a different way to meet that need. Never just say "no" without a conversation but also never say "yes" to something that makes you feel unsafe or deeply uncomfortable.
How do we explain our rules to a potential bull
Be direct and unapologetic. You can say something like "We have a very specific set of rules for our marriage that make this work for us. If you are comfortable following them we would love to play. If not we understand." Most experienced bulls will actually appreciate the clarity. It shows that you are a "pro" couple and that they won't have to deal with unexpected drama from your end either.
Can we have a rule that the bull can't finish inside the wife
Yes this is a very common rule. Some stags find that to be a "bridge too far" even with a condom. You can have a "pull out" rule or a rule that the bull has to finish on a specific part of the wife's body. This is your game and you get to decide where the "finish line" is. Just make sure the bull is aware of this rule before things get too intense so he can plan accordingly.