Opening a relationship is a bit like renovating a house while you are still living in it. It can be an amazing upgrade that gives you more space and better views or it can bring the whole roof crashing down on your head if you knock out a load bearing wall by accident. You are here because you are curious. Maybe you are bored or maybe you are excited or maybe you just have so much love to give that one person cannot contain it all. Whatever your reason you need a plan. At The Monogamy Experiment we believe that enthusiastic consent comes from total clarity. That is why we built the Open Relationship Explorer. This is not just an article. It is a pass and play synchronization tool. It is designed to be used by two people sitting on a couch with one phone or tablet. It forces you to ask the hard questions now so you do not have to scream them at each other later in a parking lot.
The biggest mistake couples make is assuming they mean the same thing when they say "open relationship." To one person that means flirting with a stranger at a bar. To the other it means having a second boyfriend they see every Tuesday. Those are two very different movies. This tool helps you write the script together. We are going to walk you through the essential pillars of ethical non-monogamy. For each section there is a "Check-In" prompt. One partner reads the prompt and answers honestly then hands the device to the other partner to do the same. If your answers match you are ready to move to the next level. If they do not match you stop and talk until they do.
Phase one is the motivation check
Before you talk about who you are going to date you need to talk about why you are doing this. This is the foundation. If the foundation is cracked the house will fall. Ethical non-monogamy or ENM acts as a magnifying glass. It makes a good relationship better and it makes a bad relationship explode. You need to be honest about your "Why."
The fix it trap versus the enhancement mindset
Many couples try to open up because they are unhappy. They think a new person will fill the void between them. This is the "Fix It" trap. It never works. Bringing more people into a broken dynamic just creates more broken people. The "Enhancement Mindset" is different. It means you are solid and secure and happy but you want to explore more of life together. You are doing this from a place of abundance rather than a place of lack.
Pass and Play Prompt One
Partner A: On a scale of 1 to 10 how secure do you feel in our current relationship right now? Be honest. If it is a 4 say it is a 4.
Partner B: Answer the same question. Then discuss. If either number is below a 7 you should probably close this browser and book a therapy session instead of a date.
Phase two is defining the messy list
In the world of ENM a "messy list" is a list of people who are strictly off limits. These are the people whose involvement would cause too much drama or complication for your life. Everyone has a messy list even if they think they are totally chill. You need to write this down in permanent ink.
The usual suspects
Most couples agree that family members are off limits. That is usually a given. But what about coworkers? If you date a coworker and it goes bad you still have to see them every day. That stress comes home to your primary partner. What about exes? Some people find it threatening if a partner goes back to an old flame because there is already emotional history there. Others find it safer because they know the person. You also need to discuss mutual friends. If you break up with a mutual friend does the friend group pick sides? These are high stakes scenarios.
Pass and Play Prompt Two
Partner A: Name one specific person or group of people that you would absolutely hate for me to date.
Partner B: Name your specific "no fly zone" people. Compare the lists. Are there any surprises? Did you assume your best friend was off limits but your partner didn't?
Phase three is the emotional bandwidth test
This is where we distinguish between "Open" and "Polyamory." An open relationship usually focuses on sexual experiences with limited emotional attachment. Polyamory focuses on building multiple loving relationships. You need to decide where you fall on this spectrum. Emotional connections are tricky because you cannot always control them. You might plan for just sex and end up catching feelings. You need a protocol for when the heart gets involved.
The catching feelings clause
What happens if one of you falls in love? In some relationships this is a breach of contract. The rule is "sex only" and if emotions develop the outside relationship must end. This is a "veto" situation. In other relationships falling in love is celebrated as part of the journey. This is "compersion" or the joy of seeing your partner loved. You cannot be vague about this. If Partner A thinks love is allowed and Partner B thinks it is cheating you are heading for a disaster.
Pass and Play Prompt Three
Partner A: If I came home and told you I loved someone else but I still loved you just as much how would you react? Would you panic or would you be curious?
Partner B: Give your honest reaction to that scenario. If one person says "panic" and the other says "curious" you have a major misalignment to work through.
Phase four is the logistics of the bedroom
Logistics are not sexy but they are what keep the peace. You need to decide where the magic happens. Is your marital bed a sacred space only for the two of you? Or is it just a piece of furniture where sleep and sex happen regardless of the partner? Some couples have a strict "hotels only" rule to keep their home a sanctuary. Others have a guest room policy. Others invite people right into the master bedroom.
Hosting versus travelling
Hosting is cheaper and more comfortable but it requires more cleaning and it brings the energy of others into your space. Travelling to hotels or the other person's house creates a clear separation between "home life" and "dating life." You also need to discuss sleepovers. Is the partner expected to come home every night to sleep in their own bed? Or are overnight dates allowed? Waking up alone can be a major trigger for some people so do not overlook this detail.
Pass and Play Prompt Four
Partner A: Are you comfortable with another person engaging in sexual activity in our bed? Yes or No.
Partner B: Answer Yes or No. If the answer is No then you need a budget for hotels or a very nice guest room setup.
Phase five is the calendar synchronization
Love might be infinite but time is finite. You only have seven nights a week. If you work five days and have chores and need sleep you probably only have two or three "free" nights. How many of those are for your primary partner and how many are for dates? Neglect is the number one killer of open relationships. It is easy to get swept up in New Relationship Energy or NRE and forget to nurture the bond you already have.
The date night quota
We recommend setting a minimum quota for your primary relationship. For example "we must have two quality nights together per week" before anyone books a date with someone else. This ensures that the original relationship stays the priority. You also need to discuss Google Calendar etiquette. Do you need to see every detail of your partner's schedule? Or do you just need to know "I am busy on Tuesday"? Transparency helps reduce anxiety but too much detail can feel like surveillance.
Pass and Play Prompt Five
Partner A: How many nights a week do you ideally want to spend with me? How many nights do you want to spend dating others?
Partner B: Give your ideal split. Does the math work? If you both want 4 nights alone and 4 nights dating you have run out of week.
Phase six is the sexual health protocol
This is the unsexy stuff that keeps you alive and healthy. In an open relationship your risk profile changes. You are not just exposed to your partner; you are exposed to everyone your partner is exposed to. You need a strict set of rules that you both follow without exception. This is about physical safety.
Barriers and testing schedules
Most couples agree on a barrier protection rule. This usually means condoms are mandatory for all penetrative sex with outside partners. Some couples extend this to oral sex as well. You also need a testing schedule. How often will you get tested? Every three months is a standard in the community. You also need to discuss disclosure. Do you have to see a recent test result from a new partner before you sleep with them? Or do you trust their word? "Trust but verify" is a good motto here.
Pass and Play Prompt Six
Partner A: What is our rule if a condom breaks with another partner? What is the immediate action step?
Partner B: Define the emergency protocol. Usually this involves immediate disclosure and perhaps a pause on intimacy between the two of you until a clean test result comes back.
Phase seven is the veto power discussion
Veto power is controversial in the ENM community. It means one partner has the right to unilaterally stop the other partner from seeing a specific person or from dating at all. Some people view this as a necessary safety brake. Others view it as controlling and unethical. You need to decide if you have veto power and how it can be used.
The emergency brake versus the steering wheel
Think of veto power like an emergency brake on a train. It should only be pulled in a true disaster scenario where the relationship is in imminent danger. It should not be used just because you are feeling a little bit jealous or annoyed on a Tuesday. If you use the veto too often it breeds resentment. The partner who was vetoed feels like a child who had their toy taken away. Discuss the specific criteria for using a veto. Is it "no questions asked" or does it require a "jury trial" discussion?
Pass and Play Prompt Seven
Partner A: Do I have the right to tell you to stop seeing someone immediately if I feel unsafe? Yes or No.
Partner B: Answer Yes or No. If you disagree on this you have a major power imbalance to resolve.
Phase eight is the financial agreement
Dating is expensive. Dinners and drinks and hotels and Ubers add up fast. If you share finances you need to agree on how this is funded. Is there a "dating budget" that comes out of the joint account? or does each person have to pay for their dates out of their own personal "fun money"? Money arguments are toxic so settle this before the first check arrives.
The return on investment
It can create resentment if one partner is spending hundreds of dollars of "family money" on wine and dine dates while the other partner is at home saving money. Fairness is key. Even if one partner earns more the spending on outside relationships should feel equitable or at least agreed upon. You do not want to look at the bank statement and see that your vacation fund was spent on a hotel room for your husband and his girlfriend.
Pass and Play Prompt Eight
Partner A: Who pays for the dates? Joint account or separate money?
Partner B: Agree on a specific monthly dollar limit for dating activities.
Phase nine is the communication loop
How much do you want to know? This is the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" versus "Radical Transparency" debate. Some people get off on hearing every dirty detail of their partner's encounters. It feeds their compersion and their voyeurism. Others want to know nothing other than "I am safe and I will be home at 11." You need to find your sweet spot on the information spectrum.
The K.I.T. rule
Keep In Touch. Decide on your texting rules while on a date. Is it rude to text your spouse while you are on a date with someone else? Or is it required for safety? Usually a "goodnight" text or an "arrived safe" text is acceptable but full blown conversations are disrespectful to the person you are on a date with. You also need to decide on the "re-entry" conversation. When you come home do you want to debrief immediately or do you need space to decompress?
Pass and Play Prompt Nine
Partner A: Do you want to know sexual details of my encounters? Be specific. Do you want to know positions and acts or just general vibes?
Partner B: Define your "TMI" line. Once you hear something you cannot unhear it so be careful what you ask for.
Common terms and glossary
To navigate this world you need to speak the language. Here is your cheat sheet for the Explorer tool.
- ENM Ethical Non-Monogamy. The umbrella term for all transparent non-monogamous relationships.
- Polyamory The practice of having multiple loving and romantic relationships at the same time.
- Metamour Your partner's partner. The person your spouse is dating. You are not dating them but you have a connection through your spouse.
- NRE New Relationship Energy. The butterfly feeling of a new romance. It is powerful and can make you act irrationally. It usually lasts 6 to 18 months.
- Compersion The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another. It is often called the opposite of jealousy.
- Primary/Secondary A hierarchical structure where one partner (Primary) takes priority over others (Secondary) in terms of time and finances and commitment.
- OPP One Penis Policy. A controversial rule where a woman can date other women but not other men. It is often viewed as insecure or transphobic in the community.
- Unicorn Hunters A couple looking for a bisexual woman to date both of them exclusively. This is often frowned upon if done unethically.
Handling the green eyed monster
Jealousy will happen. It is not a sign that you are failing. It is just an emotion like hunger or tiredness. The Explorer tool requires you to have a "Jealousy First Aid Kit." When the panic hits what do you do? Do you lash out? Do you withdraw? Do you need reassurance? You need a pre-planned response so you do not burn the house down in a moment of fear.
Most jealousy stems from insecurity. You are not afraid your partner loves someone else. You are afraid they will stop loving you. The antidote to jealousy is reassurance. If you are feeling jealous tell your partner "I am feeling insecure and I need a reminder that you love me." That is much more productive than saying "I hate that you are going out tonight."
The final check in
Once you have gone through all nine phases of the Explorer look at your answers. Are they mostly aligned? Or are they miles apart? If they are aligned you are ready to start dipping your toes in the water. Start slow. Go on a coffee date. Flirt on an app. Do not rush into a weekend getaway with a stranger.
If your answers are miles apart do not despair. It just means you have work to do. It means you need to negotiate. Maybe you start with a very restrictive set of rules and loosen them up over time as trust builds. That is a perfectly valid strategy. The goal is not to be the "most open" couple. The goal is to be the "most happy" couple. Use this tool as your roadmap and you will be fine. Ignore the signs and you might drive off a cliff. The choice is yours.
Frequently asked questions
What if my partner wants to open up but I do not
Then you do not open up. Ethical non-monogamy requires enthusiastic consent from both parties. If you do it just to keep your partner you will be miserable and the relationship will likely end anyway. It is better to be honest about your incompatibility now than to traumatize yourself later. You can try to learn more and see if your fears are based on myths but if it is a hard no then it is a hard no.
How do we find people to date
There are specific apps for this like Feeld and OKCupid (with non-monogamy settings) and #Open. Do not lie on mainstream apps like Tinder. Be upfront in your bio that you are in an open relationship. It saves everyone time. You can also attend local "munch" events which are social gatherings for the kinky and poly communities to meet friends.
Can we close the relationship again if it is not working
Yes absolutely. You can close the relationship at any time. However if other people are involved (like a boyfriend or girlfriend) you must treat them with respect. You cannot just treat them like disposable toys. Breaking up with them to close your marriage is still a breakup and it hurts. But prioritizing your primary marriage is a valid choice if things get too rocky.
What is the difference between swinging and open relationships
Swinging is usually done as a couple and focuses on recreational sex often at parties or clubs. It is a team sport. Open relationships usually involve dating separately and can be more independent. Polyamory involves romantic love. There is a lot of crossover but the "vibe" is different for each.
Is it cheating if we have rules
Cheating is the breaking of agreements. If your agreement is "we can have sex with others" then having sex with others is not cheating. However if your agreement is "always use condoms" and you don't use a condom that is cheating. It is a violation of trust. Transparency defines the difference between ENM and infidelity.
How do I deal with the stigma
Not everyone will understand. You do not have to tell your parents or your boss or your neighbors. Who you sleep with is your business. Choose your confidants wisely. Many people in the community keep their lifestyle private to avoid judgment from people who just don't get it. That is perfectly okay.
What if one person gets more dates than the other
This is very common. Usually women get more attention on apps than men. It can create an "attention imbalance." The partner getting fewer dates needs to focus on their own hobbies and self worth and not measure their value by their match count. It takes patience. The partner with more dates should be sensitive to this and ensure they are still pouring energy into the primary relationship.
Can we set a rule that we only date people the other person finds attractive
You can but it is usually a bad idea. You are not dating the person; your partner is. Unless you are dating as a couple (throuple hunting) your partner's taste shouldn't matter to you. Putting aesthetic restrictions on your partner's autonomy can feel controlling. Trust them to pick people who make them happy.