Descriptive Versus Prescriptive Hierarchy

Welcome to The Monogamy Experiment where we break down complex relationship ideas with straight talk and a sense of humor. Today we dive into a topic that often shows up in Hierarchical Polyamory ENM dynamics. ENM stands for ethically non monogamous and Hierarchical Polyamory is a setup that stacks relationships in a tiered way. You might hear terms like primary partner and secondary partner tossed around. Some people treat the hierarchy as a description of what is happening in their lives right now while others treat it as a rule book that shapes what should happen in the future. Descriptive versus prescriptive hierarchy is a useful lens to understand how a couple or a group navigates love, time and energy without losing sight of what matters to each person involved.

Here we will break down the two viewpoints, show how they appear in everyday life and give you practical steps to decide which approach fits your circle. We will cover key terms and acronyms so you stay in the loop. And we will give you realistic scenarios and scripts you can adapt to your own situation. If you want a clear framework that helps you talk about power dynamics with honesty, this guide is for you.

What descriptive hierarchy means

The core idea

Descriptive hierarchy is a way of talking about who is actually prioritized in day to day life. It is not a set of rules that tells you what to do. It is a snapshot of how relationships are arranged based on agreements, time spent, emotional investment and practical constraints. In a descriptive setup the terms primary and secondary are used to describe where people sit in reality rather than where a rule book says they should sit.

How it shows up in practice

When a couple uses descriptive hierarchy they pay attention to who has which commitments in real life. For example a person may have a partner who is designated as primary because of shared finances or cohabitation. Another partner might be called secondary because the relationship is less embedded in daily life. The important point is that the descriptors reflect actual patterns rather than imposed ideas. People can adjust what they call each relationship as life changes. A descriptive approach values accurate reflection of the current situation rather than rigid labels.

Benefits of describing the truth

• Greater flexibility when life shifts like moving cities or changing work hours
• Less pressure to pretend the relationship is a certain way when it is not
• Focus on what works day to day rather than on supposed rules
• Better alignment with feelings because you name what is real

Potential drawbacks to watch for

• Labels may drift if people forget to communicate about the current state
• Without guardrails you might end up with unclear boundaries
• It can be harder to protect time if priorities keep shifting

Common terms you may hear with descriptive hierarchy

• Descriptive hierarchy A description of how relationships actually function in daily life rather than a formal rule set.
• Primary partner The person who carries the most weight in shared life aspects such as housing or finances.
• Secondary partner A partner who is important but not integrated into daily life to the same extent as a primary partner.
• Nesting The practice of including multiple relationships within a single living arrangement or family circle.
• Ok time window A mutual agreement about when partners have time for each other within busy schedules.

What prescriptive hierarchy means

The core idea

Prescriptive hierarchy treats the hierarchy as a set of instructions about how relationships must operate. It is less about what is happening in practice and more about what should happen according to agreed rules. In a prescriptive model the order of importance is encoded as a formal guideline that drives decisions about time, access to resources, and emotional energy. It can be written into a living agreement or spoken as a normative expectation that all parties accept as the baseline.

How it shows up in practice

In a prescriptive frame you may see explicit rules such as this partner gets first priority for weekend plans, only one overnight stay per week is allowed for a secondary partner, or a veto option remains in place for safety or core commitments. The aim is predictability and structure. People know where they stand and what is expected. The downside is that life can throw curve balls and rigid rules may become hard to sustain without ongoing conversation.

Benefits of a prescriptive approach

• Clear expectations that help prevent miscommunication
• Stronger protection for people who rely on predictable patterns
• Easier planning for dates, childcare and finances when rules are in place

Potential drawbacks to watch for

• Rules can feel punitive or inflexible if life changes rapidly
• People may hide concerns to avoid breaking a rule rather than addressing the real issue
• A prescriptive system can place heavy load on one partner who bears most of the decision making

Common terms you may hear with prescriptive hierarchy

• Primary partner The person who has the most integrated and prioritized role within the arrangement
• Secondary partner A partner who enjoys a meaningful connection but with fewer shared life commitments
• Veto A rule that allows a partner to veto a new connection under specific conditions
• Contract A written or informal agreement outlining duties, boundaries and timelines
• Slots Designated times for seeing different partners that fit within the house and life structure

Descriptive versus prescriptive in practice

Two lenses on the same relationships

Descriptive and prescriptive hierarchy are not mutually exclusive. A group may use descriptive language to describe what is happening while still holding a few prescriptive rules for safety or practical reasons. The key is to be transparent about which aspects are descriptive and which are prescriptive. Some people find that a hybrid model works best where the core rules exist to protect safety and consent while everyday life remains flexible enough to adapt to changing feelings and circumstances.

When descriptive helps more than prescriptive

• When people want to avoid feeling boxed in by rules
• When life involves frequent changes such as travel or shifting schedules
• When emotions are in flux and people want to explore together without heavy constraints

When prescriptive helps more than descriptive

• When trust needs solid scaffolding to prevent resentment
• When multiple partners rely on predictable boundaries to feel secure
• When there is risk of miscommunication or ambiguity that could harm someone emotionally or physically

Navigating the tension between description and prescription

Start with shared values

A strong foundation helps teams decide how much description to rely on and where rules are necessary. Sit down together and name your core values. Common values include consent, safety, honesty, fairness, emotional responsibility and freedom within boundaries. When you know your values you can test decisions against them rather than simply following a rule because it exists.

Create a living agreement

A living agreement is a document that can change as life changes. It should be revisited on a schedule such as every six months or after a major life event. The goal is to keep both the descriptive reality and any prescriptive rules aligned with what matters most to everyone involved.

Balance safety with autonomy

Safety includes physical safety, emotional energy and consent. Ensure that any prescriptive element like a veto or time boundaries has a clear purpose and is used with care. At the same time preserve autonomy so people retain the ability to grow and change their minds and relationships without feeling forced to stay within a rigid box.

Use concrete check in rituals

Regular check ins help a group notice when a descriptive reality is diverging from what was agreed. These can be scheduled weekly or monthly and can be guided by questions such as How are we doing with time for each person What is one thing that feels unfair right now What is one thing you wish we could change this month

Real life scenarios and practical scripts

Scenario A: A primary partner wants more time and energy for a new relationship

In this scenario the couple has a descriptive setup but one partner is growing their connections. The script below uses a collaborative tone and focuses on safety and fairness.

Partner A We are at a point where I feel torn between our routine and the new connection I am exploring. I want to keep our core time but also give the new relationship room to grow. How can we adjust our schedule without losing what we have?

Partner B I hear you. Let us look at the calendar for the next month. We can block three longer date nights for us and allow one additional night where you can see your other partner with a clear plan for check in and aftercare. I want to ensure we both feel valued.

Result The couple aligns on a hybrid approach that preserves essential time together while respecting the new connection. They document the changes in their living agreement and set a future review.

Scenario B: A secondary partner seeks more inclusion in life events

In this case the secondary partner desires deeper nesting while maintaining the existing structure. The conversation focuses on gradual inclusion and clear boundaries.

Partner A I value our time but I have felt a bit left out of family things and major life events. I would like to be part of more shared experiences, not just dates.

Partner B It is important to me that you feel connected. Let us start with one event such as a weekend gathering and we will review after. We will maintain the primary focus on our core household commitments and keep you in the loop with planning though you might not be involved in every decision.

Result The relationship expands its nesting gradually with consent and careful planning. The group adds a standing monthly check in to ensure everyone feels heard.

Scenario C: A dispute about veto use

Veto power is a common prescriptive tool in Hierarchical Polyamory. Here is a constructive way to talk about a veto when emotions run high.

Partner A I felt hurt when the veto was invoked without a full discussion. I want to understand the reason and see if we can adjust the rule to protect us both.

Partner B I was worried about emotional safety and wanted to prevent a situation that could cause long term harm. Maybe we can require a cooling off period and a joint review before any future veto is used.

Result They agree on a cooling off period and a mandatory conversation before any veto is considered. They add this process to their written agreement and commit to weekly check ins for a month.

Scenario D: Two partners disagree on the direction of the hierarchy

Disagreement is a normal part of any intimate network. The goal is to remain respectful and focused on shared goals. The script below helps keep the conversation productive.

Partner A I feel we are drifting away from what we both want and we are compromising too much of our needs for the sake of structure. I want more flexibility.

Partner B I hear that. I also worry about losing what we have built. Can we test a mixed model for three months where we maintain essential stability but allow more room for personal growth?

Result They agree on a test period that preserves core protections while allowing more flexibility. They set a re evaluation date and a clear framework for what will be reassessed.

Practical tips for making either approach work well

Keep communication clear and ongoing

Clear communication reduces friction whether you lean descriptive or prescriptive. Use one topic at a time and summarize what you heard back to ensure everyone is on the same page. Do not assume that silence means agreement know that people may need time to think.

Document what matters

Keep a simple living document such as a shared digital note or a short written agreement. It can outline who is allowed when with whom and how decisions are made. Re visit this document regularly and be honest about what no longer serves everyone involved.

Respect consent and safety first

Always put consent at the center. If a new arrangement raises concerns about consent, pause and reset the conversation until everyone is comfortable. Safety covers emotional well being too. Check in on how people feel after changes and adjust as needed.

Remember that power dynamics are not permanent

Power dynamics can shift as lives change. A primary position that feels solid today may feel less secure tomorrow and that is okay as long as the group has a plan to renegotiate with care and kindness.

Terms you should know and a quick glossary

• Ethical non monogamy ENM An umbrella term for relationship styles that involve honesty and negotiated non monogamy.
• Hierarchical Polyamory A polyamorous arrangement where relationships are organized in tiers with a primary focus on certain connections over others.
• Descriptive hierarchy A description of how relationships actually function rather than a fixed rule set.
• Prescriptive hierarchy A set of guidelines or rules that dictate how relationships should operate within the system.
• Primary partner The person who carries the most life implications and often the main source of day to day support.
• Secondary partner A partner who has a meaningful but less embedded role in daily life.
• Nesting The practice of including multiple partners in the family or living space.
• Veto A rule that allows a partner to block a new relationship under defined conditions.
• Check in A scheduled conversation to review feelings, boundaries and the state of the relationships.
• Agreement A living document that guides how relationships function and evolves over time.
• Compersion The feeling of joy when a partner experiences happiness with someone else.
• Jealousy work The process of exploring and addressing jealous feelings in a constructive way.

Is descriptive better for your dynamic

Descriptive hierarchy can work well when you want flexible growth, less pressure to conform to labels, or when life brings rapid changes. It may be especially helpful for people who are learning how to communicate their needs and who prefer to adjust as they learn what works. The risk is drift and ambiguity. Without careful check ins you may drift away from what everyone actually wants or needs and that can create stress over time.

Is prescriptive better for your dynamic

Prescriptive hierarchy can be a strong framework for safety and clarity. It can reduce miscommunication and provide security for people who feel unstable without rules. The risk is a tendency to cling to the structure even when it stops serving the people it is meant to protect. A key to success is to design rules that are testable and revisable so that the system remains fair and compassionate even when life changes.

How to decide which path to choose

• Talk openly about what you want today and what you fear might happen tomorrow
• Identify your core values and test whether a descriptive or prescriptive path aligns with them
• Set a short term trial with clear milestones and a plan for revisiting the approach
• Keep safety and consent at the center of every decision
• Be prepared to renegotiate as relationships evolve and new information comes to light

Final notes and what to remember

Descriptive and prescriptive hierarchy are tools that can help you navigate complex relationship networks with respect and care. They are not weapons to win or to punish. The best outcome is a life where people feel seen, safe and excited about their connections. The goal is honest connection and sustainable joy rather than rigid compliance. When in doubt start with a conversation that treats everyone as a whole person with needs, fears and hopes. Then decide together how to move forward in a way that keeps everyone safe and growing.

Frequently asked questions

Below are quick answers to common questions about descriptive and prescriptive hierarchy in Hierarchical Polyamory. If you want more depth on any item, you can explore the sections above or reach out for a deeper discussion.

How do I know if we are using descriptive or prescriptive hierarchy?

Look at how decisions are made and whether rules exist. If the system changes with circumstances and built in flexibility, you are likely working descriptively. If there are fixed rules that people must follow regardless of the situation, you are likely operating prescriptively.

Can a group switch from descriptive to prescriptive at a later time?

Yes. A switch can happen when the group feels safer with more structure or when safety concerns dictate clearer boundaries. Start with a small pilot, document the changes, and check in frequently during the transition.

What is the best way to handle jealousy in a hierarchy?

Jealousy works best when you acknowledge it and talk about it openly. Use a practice called jealousy work to explore the triggers and to create a plan that reduces those triggers in the future. In many cases this includes more check ins and a small adjustment to agreements.

Should we use a veto in a prescriptive model?

A veto can be a protective tool but it should be used sparingly and with a clear purpose. Many groups require a cooling off period and a joint review before a veto is invoked again. This helps prevent impulsive decisions and fosters trust.

What about nesting and family plans?

Nesting can be complicated in a hierarchical setup. It works best when all involved partners consent to shared living arrangements and when there are clear boundaries about privacy, time and financial responsibilities. Regular check ins help keep nesting healthy.

How often should we revisit our hierarchy approach?

Aim for at least every six months or after major life events such as movement, a new partner, or a shift in employment. Some groups prefer shorter cycles like every three months to stay aligned with changing feelings.