Inclusion Versus Exclusion Practices

Hey there friend. Welcome to a no fluff guide from The Monogamy Experiment. We are talking about real life relationship dynamics where one person sometimes has a primary partner and other partners join the mix in a respectful and negotiated way. This article digs into inclusion versus exclusion practices within a hierarchical polyamory setup. We will break down terms, share practical playbooks, give you conversation starters, and walk through common scenarios with actionable steps. If you have ever worried about balancing a core relationship while welcoming others into your life this guide is for you. We will keep things grounded and give you ideas you can actually try this week.

What hierarchical polyamory means in ENM

ENM stands for Ethical Non Monogamy. It is a broad umbrella term for relationship styles where people choose not to restrict themselves to a single romantic or sexual partner. In a hierarchical polyamory setup the relationship structure is organized with levels or layers. A primary relationship usually takes precedence in terms of time decisions, living arrangements, finances, and major life plans. Secondary partners may have strong emotional connections and regular time together but do not carry the same level of priority as a primary partner. Some people add tertiary partners who fit another layer into the structure. The exact map can look very different from one group to another and that is by design. The important pieces are clear agreements and ongoing consent among everyone involved.

Key terms you will hear in this space include primary partner secondary partner and sometimes tertiary partner. A primary partner is typically the person who has the deepest mutual commitment and is often involved in major life decisions such as where to live or parenting plans. A secondary partner is someone who is important in your life but whose daily life operations and long term plans are not as intertwined with your core life trajectory. A tertiary partner is an additional connection that may be less integrated into daily life but still meaningful and consensual for all parties. These distinctions are not about value judgments they are about practical boundaries and expectations. You should never assume that a primary relationship means less respect or care for a secondary partner. Inclusion is not automatically granted and exclusion is not the default either. It comes down to negotiated agreements that feel fair and transparent to everyone involved.

Inclusion versus exclusion in a hierarchical setup

Inclusion means inviting a partner into more areas of life and decision making when all parties agree that it will be supportive rather than harmful. Inclusion can involve attending social events meeting families sharing holidays or integrating in routines such as trips and shared activities. Exclusion means setting boundaries that limit a partner’s access to certain aspects of life with the explicit goal of protecting the primary relationship or managing emotional safety. Neither inclusion nor exclusion is inherently right or wrong. The key is how clearly the reasons are explained how consent is obtained and how flexible the arrangement remains over time.

Let us be practical. In a healthy hierarchical polyamory dynamic inclusion looks like this:

• Open discussions about who participates in family gatherings or major events
• Planning shared time that respects everyone’s schedule and emotional needs
• Transparent communication about activities that involve multiple partners
• Clear expectations around boundaries tied to roles within the relationship structure

In a healthy hierarchical polyamory dynamic exclusion looks like this:

• Agreeing that a partner will not attend certain personal family events because it would complicate the dynamics
• Setting boundaries around intimate spaces or private conversations with specific partners
• Defining the level of detail that can be shared about one relationship with other partners
• Deliberate pauses to reassess the structure if a new partner joins and needs to be integrated

Both directions require careful handling. The hallmark of a strong system is that decisions are negotiated fairly with clear reasoning and compassion. When inclusion is chosen as the path the emphasis is on consent check ins and empathy. When exclusion is chosen the emphasis shifts to safety and emotional well being while still maintaining dignity and ongoing communication. The overall aim is not to trap people inside a grid but to create a workable map where everyone feels seen heard and respected.

Core principles for inclusive practices

If you want inclusion to work in a hierarchical polyamory dynamic these principles help keep things fair and manageable:

• Transparency: Share your plans and concerns openly with all involved parties. Ambiguity is a breeding ground for misinterpretation and hurt.
• Consent as ongoing practice: Consent is not a one off checkbox. Revisit agreements regularly and adjust when life changes occur.
• Communication rituals: Establish regular check in moments a simple weekly or bi weekly conversation can prevent problems from growing.
• Time management: Time boundaries are a common point of friction. Create a shared calendar and respect agreed upon blocks for primary and secondary partners.
• Emotional safety: Guard against belittling judgments or dismissive language. Validate feelings even when you disagree with them.
• Fairness over equality: Treat people with equal respect even if they have different levels of access to your life. Fair does not always mean identical.
• Practical negotiables and non negotiables: Distinguish between things you can bend and things you will not bend. Put those into your relationship agreements.
• Consistency: Do what you say you will do. Consistency builds trust which is the foundation of any long lasting arrangement.

Terms and acronyms you will hear in hierarchical polyamory ENM

Here is a quick glossary you can keep handy. Clear terms help conversations stay productive rather than devolve into emotions running unchecked.

• ENM Ethical Non Monogamy a relationship style where multiple intimate connections are pursued with consent and transparency.
• Hierarchical polyamory A polyamory structure with a clear priority order among partners typically including primary and secondary levels.
• Primary partner The person or people who hold the core space in your life often including shared finances housing or parenting commitments.
• Secondary partner A partner who shares a meaningful relationship but does not hold the same life integration as a primary partner.
• Tertiary partner A partner who is part of your life in a more limited or targeted way often with specific boundaries.
• NRE New Relationship Energy the excitement and novelty that can color new connections and sometimes tilt perceptions.
• Compersion A positive feeling when a partner experiences joy through another relationship often described as the opposite of jealousy.
• Gatekeeping When a partner or a system tries to control access to relationships or information in a way that reduces others' autonomy.
• Relationship agreement A negotiated document or set of rules that describes how partners will interact including inclusion or exclusion decisions.
• Boundaries Boundaries are the lines that protect emotional safety and practical living. They can be soft or hard depending on the context.
• Check in A scheduled conversation to assess how everyone is feeling and whether adjustments are needed.

Practical playbook for building inclusion that sticks

Below is a three phase approach you can try with your partners. It is designed to be flexible so you can adapt it to your own life and the unique way your group operates.

Phase 1: Clarify who and what is being included

• Define the tiers clearly. List who is a primary partner who qualifies as secondary and any tertiary connections.
• Identify life areas where inclusion matters. Common areas include social events family gatherings vacations and housing or co parenting matters.
• Set up a simple daylight rule. If you are unsure about a particular inclusion ask a targeted question such as would this be comfortable for all parties to participate in given current needs and schedules.

Phase 2: Create inclusive agreements that remain adaptable

• Draft a living document. Agreements are not set in stone imagine them as living guidelines that you revisit every few months or when life changes happen.
• Include a mechanism for exceptions. Sometimes a special event or a unique circumstance requires a temporary adjustment that should be clearly stated and agreed upon.
• Involve all main players in the drafting process. This reduces the chance of hidden expectations creating friction later.

Phase 3: Practice and iterate with check ins

• Schedule regular check ins with a prepared structure. One partner can take notes so nothing is forgotten.
• Pay attention to signals and nonverbal cues. Sometimes comfort is not fully spoken but is visible in behavior and energy.
• Revisit and revise as needed. The best agreements grow with you not against you.

Conversation starters and sample scripts

Hard conversations are easier when you practice a few reliable lines. Use these as templates and personalize them to fit your voice and your relationships.

Opening a discussion about inclusion

Hey team I want to talk about how we handle inclusion for our other partners. This is about making sure everyone feels respected and safe while we live our lives the way we want. I value your thoughts and want us all to feel good about the decisions we make together.

Explaining a current inclusion decision

Right now we have decided that partner B will not attend family events. This is not a judgment on their importance to me. It is a practical choice to protect space for the family as we navigate a busy season. I want to hear how you feel about this and what would help you feel comfortable and supported.

Introducing a new partner into the inclusion plan

We have a new partner joining our circle. Our goal is to include them in a way that respects everyone s boundaries while giving them a fair chance to get to know us. I propose we start with casual social events and then revisit how and where we integrate deeper into daily life after a few weeks of observation and feedback.

Handling a hiccup with jealousy

Jealousy is a signal not a verdict. If someone feels left out or uneasy I want us to address it with specific examples. Let s identify what would help you feel more secure and how we can adjust the schedule or rituals to reduce tension while keeping our commitments intact.

Realistic scenarios and how to handle them

Scenario 1: A new partner wants to join a family gathering

First assess the calendar and the emotional capacity of the group. If there is no immediate conflict and everyone agrees to a trial run propose a structured introduction. Start with a short friendly visit then plan a larger gathering in a controlled environment where boundaries can be observed. Check in promptly after the event to learn what worked and what did not. If someone feels overwhelmed consider a smaller next step for future events. Remember each person has a voice in these decisions and all voices deserve equal respect.

Scenario 2: A long term partner feels excluded from a weekly routine

Acknowledge the feeling as valid and explore why this routine matters to the partner who feels left out. Offer one small adjustment that preserves the primary dynamic while creating a shared moment such as alternating hosting duties or inviting the partner to contribute to the planning. If the partner still feels uneasy propose a temporary detour for a couple of weeks then reassess together. Small changes done with care can restore balance without destabilizing the structure.

Scenario 3: NRE challenges the balance between primary and secondary partners

New relationships bring energy and excitement that can tilt the scale. Shield the core relationship by maintaining the essential rituals you rely on such as weekly check ins and shared tasks. Normalize talking about NRE early and describe what things feel like in the moment. Then decide together how to allocate time and attention without diminishing the bonds you value. After the initial rush its often easier to re establish a sustainable rhythm that works for all.

Scenario 4: There is a change in housing or finances affecting inclusion

Major life changes require transparent planning. Bring all the affected people into one planning conversation and map out how the changes influence access to space and resources. Build a revised timeline with input from everyone. Document these decisions in the relationship agreement and set a clear date to revisit if the situation changes again. A few extra meetings early on can prevent confusion later.

Boundaries you might adopt within a hierarchical ENM dynamic

Boundaries protect emotional safety and practical functioning. They are not meant to punish or hurt but to provide a predictable structure everyone can rely on. Here are some common categories and examples you might adapt:

• Time boundaries Setting specific blocks for primary partner time and for other partners. Respect the rhythm of everyone s life and adjust as needed.
• Event boundaries Deciding who attends which events and how much detail is shared about each relationship during those events.
• Financial boundaries Agreements around shared expenses especially when there are multiple households or dependents involved.
• Living boundaries Decisions about cohabitation or shared spaces with multiple partners including privacy considerations.
• Private information boundaries Agreements about what personal information is shared with which partners and how to handle sensitive topics.

Jealousy and compersion in a hierarchical ENM setting

Jealousy is a natural signal that something needs attention. It is not a flaw it is a message that tells you a boundary may be tighter or a need may be unmet. Compersion is the feeling of happiness when a partner finds joy in someone else. Cultivating compersion does not erase jealousy but it helps you reframe your perspective and celebrate your partner s happiness while honoring your own feelings. Practical tools include named check ins before and after social events a focus on your own needs and proactive planning to ensure you are not overwhelmed when others are spending time with your partner. If jealousy arises use a simple three step pattern: name the feeling describe the situation without blame describe a concrete action you can take to move forward. You do not have to suppress emotion you only need to channel it into constructive steps that protect the relationships you value.

Managing power dynamics and fairness

Hierarchical structures can create an imbalance. The goal is not to erase difference but to manage it with grace. Here are techniques to keep fairness at the center:

• Rotate decision making around less central topics to democratize input beyond the primary relationship
• Institute a neutral third party or facilitator for complex discussions and to help keep conversations productive
• Use a written agenda before meetings so no one feels blindsided
• Keep the focus on shared goals such as family safety emotional health and sustainable intimacy

Safety and consent as ongoing practice

Consent in ENM is ongoing not a one time event. Check ins should happen regularly and after significant life changes. If someone feels pressured or overwhelmed it is a signal to slow down and revisit the agreements. A few practical tips include documented agreements accessible to all partners a clearly stated process for requesting changes and a culture where saying I need a pause is respected and supported. Safe practices also extend to privacy physical safety and emotional well being. Respect for each person s boundaries is a prerequisite for inclusion to work reliably over time.

Common mistakes and how to recover

Even the best intentions can stumble into trouble. Here are frequent missteps and fast recovery moves:

• Assuming consent Always confirm before making decisions that affect others.
• Running on auto pilot Life changes such as jobs moves or children require new conversations and refreshed agreements.
• Gossiping or whisper networks Keep information within the boundaries agreed by all.
• Gatekeeping Autocratic control over who can be involved is a red flag. Replace with collaborative decision making.
• Overlooking emotional labor The work of keeping track of agreements and feelings should be shared among partners rather than placed on one person alone.

Glossary of useful terms and acronyms

• ENM Ethical Non Monogamy a broad term for relationship styles that involve multiple intimate connections with consent and transparency.
• Hierarchical polyamory A polyamory structure with a clear priority order among partners usually including primary and secondary levels.
• Primary partner The person or people who form the core of the life shared with you such as living together or co parenting.
• Secondary partner A partner who is important but does not share the same life integration as a primary partner.
• NRE New Relationship Energy the excitement and novelty that accompanies new connections.
• Compersion A positive feeling when a partner experiences joy in another relationship.
• Gatekeeping Controlling access to relationships and information in a way that limits others autonomy.
• Relationship agreement The negotiated rules that describe how partners will interact and what is included or excluded.
• Boundaries Lines that protect emotional safety and practical living. They can be soft or hard depending on context.
• Check in A scheduled time to assess how everyone is feeling and whether adjustments are needed.

Frequently asked questions