Holidays and Special Occasions Without Default Claims

Welcome to a practical, down to earth guide that lives in the space where ethics, honesty, and good times meet. The Monogamy Experiment is not here to sell you a one size fits all plan. We are here to help you navigate holidays and special occasions when you are practicing Relationship Anarchy and Ethical Non Monogamy. If you are new to these terms or you want to understand how to celebrate with multiple people in a way that respects everyone involved this guide will walk you through it with real world examples, clear terminology and useful templates.

What is Relationship Anarchy and what does it mean for holidays without default claims

Let us start with the basics. Relationship Anarchy or RA is a philosophy about relationships that rejects traditional hierarchies and expected roles. It focuses on consent openness communication and negotiated agreements rather than a one size fits all structure. In RA the idea is that relationships are built from the people involved not from external scripts like being a couple only or excluding others by default. Ethical Non Monogamy or ENM is the umbrella term for relationships that involve honesty consent and ethical management of more than one romantic or intimate connection at a time. When we say without default claims we mean choices made without assuming that a person will always be the primary partner or that a household must be a fixed top tier of love. It is about letting each person in the network determine how much time energy and emotional investment they want to offer on a case by case basis.

Holidays and special occasions are just as vulnerable to default scripts as any other part of life. The family holiday tradition can feel like a binding contract with invisible terms that pressure people to show up in a certain way. In RA ENM we flip the script we don t default to a single storyline we negotiate what makes sense for the people who are actually present. That means there may be multiple plans to accommodate different partners kids families and friends. It also means that what happens next year can be different from what happened this year because the needs of the people involved may change. The point is to keep things fair honest and flexible.

Key terms you may see or hear in this space include Relationship Anarchy often abbreviated as RA ENM which is the combined idea of relationship anarchy and ethical non monogamy. We will also mention terms like primary partner and secondary partner a concept many have encountered in traditional non monogamy. In RA ENM these labels are not assumed to carry ownership or inequity. Compersion which means feeling happy when a partner experiences joy with someone else is a helpful concept to reduce jealousy. Negotiated boundaries are agreements that are discussed and agreed upon ahead of time rather than decreed unilaterally. The aim is to create a shared framework while allowing space for each person to set their own limits.

The core principles of celebrating holidays in a Relationship Anarchy ENM framework

These principles help keep holidays from turning into a negotiation minefield or a soft version of a drama filled event. They are practical and they work in the real world with busy schedules and different traditions.

Communicate early and often

When you are coordinating schedules for many people early and frequent communication is essential. Start discussions at least eight to twelve weeks before a major holiday if possible. Use a simple check in that asks each person what they need what they can give and what would be helpful for others. Some people like a written plan others prefer casual conversations. The important part is that everyone has a way to contribute and is included in the planning process.

Define what counts as a special occasion for each person

Not every holiday feels special to everyone. Some may want to celebrate big occasions while others prefer intimate gatherings. In the RA ENM space it is perfectly valid to decide that a given holiday will be celebrated with one partner and friends at one time while another partner celebrates separately with a different circle. The key is to agree on what counts as a holiday event for each person and to avoid implying that one event must include everyone all the time.

Set clear boundaries without policing others

Boundaries are about what you are comfortable with not about controlling someone else s life. Examples include limits on how many people attend a family celebration a rule about public displays of affection or a decision about privacy around sensitive topics. Boundaries should be specific concrete and revisited if feelings change. The goal is clarity not control.

Practice consent with a capital C

Consent is ongoing and dynamic. Before any big family gathering or travel plan ask questions like Are you comfortable with this arrangement Would you like to join Would you prefer to be invited but not included in every moment. People change their minds and that is okay as long as the process remains respectful and open. Never assume consent just because a person agreed to something in the past.

Build flexible calendars that reflect reality

Holidays often involve many people with overlapping lives. Create a shared calendar or planning document that lists who is involved and what the plan entails. Also include backup options for last minute changes. A flexible calendar reduces stress and helps prevent the feeling that someone is being left out or pushed aside.

Normalize transparent conversations about money and logistics

Holidays can come with expenses and logistics that complicate the picture. Be upfront about who pays for what who helps with planning and how travel and accommodation will work. This transparency prevents resentment and makes it easier for everyone to participate without awkward economic undercurrents.

Embrace compersion and manage jealousy as a team

Compersion is the joyful feeling when a partner is happy with someone else. It is a muscle that grows with practice. When jealousy arises talk about its source and how you can address it. Some people find it helpful to designate a post event debrief to reflect on what went well and what could improve next time.

Practical planning tools and templates for holidays without default claims

Having a toolkit makes a big difference. Here are practical options you can adapt to your network and preferences. Remember RA ENM is about in the moment consent and negotiated choices not about rigid rules.

Simple holiday planning checklist

• Identify all involved people and their preferred holiday format
• Set a date or a window for the celebrations
• Ask each person for needs and boundaries
• Draft a shared plan with optional variations
• Agree on how to handle gifts and money
• Plan for privacy and discretion if needed
• Schedule a check in after the event to discuss what worked

A sample neutral message you can adapt

Hi everyone I want to check in about our holiday plans. We will have two options this year Option A includes X people Option B includes Y people If you would like to participate in both we can try to coordinate but no one should feel pressured Please tell me which option works for you by [date] and share any needs or boundaries you want us to consider.

A few example dialogues to guide conversations

• Person A says I would love to include Person C in the holiday but I know this might be challenging for others How can we make room for that without creating tension
• Person B replies I value that plan and I would also like to maintain some intimate time with you One idea could be a dedicated hour together during the day and separate time with others in the evening
• Person C adds I am happy to attend a smaller gathering to start and see how it goes before committing to a larger event

Negotiating gifts and traditions

Traditions and gifts can become tricky when there are multiple partners and different families involved. One approach is to create a shared tradition that everyone contributes to yet allows for personal touches. For example you might have a single big gift exchange for the whole network with each person contributing a small item or you could maintain separate traditions that align with each relationship circle. The key is to keep things fair and transparent and to avoid a default expectation that everyone gets the same gift or attends the same event.

Scenarios you might encounter and how RA ENM handles them

Christmas and other winter holidays

For many people Christmas is a time when families come together and the schedule fills up. In RA ENM it is common to have multiple events on the same day. One approach is to create a central family gathering for those who want to participate and separate gatherings for partners and close friends who prefer a smaller circle. If a partner does not want to attend a family event that is okay as long as they are informed and treated with respect. If another partner wants to host a different gathering perhaps at a home you own or a friend s place that can be a separate option. The most important thing is that no one feels pressured to be in a room where their place is uncertain or where they are not welcome.

Thanksgiving and harvest festivals

Thanksgiving is notorious for long lines of relatives and loaded memories. In an RA ENM setup you might choose a solo traveler event a partner only gathering or a multi partner feast that includes chosen family friends and partners who are comfortable being there together. You may also arrange a gratitude circle where each person shares a moment for which they are grateful. The aim is to avoid a single plan that tries to fit everyone into one traditional script.

New Year s Eve and major milestones

New Year s Eve can be a time for big celebrations or quiet intimate moments. Some people in your network may want a large party while others prefer a private midnight moment with a chosen partner. Agree on a plan that respects both trajectories and consider a low pressure post midnight check in to celebrate together or separately depending on the energy in the room.

Birthdays anniversaries and personal milestones

Birthdays and anniversaries are a chance to celebrate personal growth and connection. In RA ENM you can coordinate a shared day that honors the collective or you can honor individual milestones with smaller rituals. You may even rotate who plans the celebration each year to share the responsibility and joy.

Vacations and special trips

Vacations present logistics and potential strains but they can also create bonding moments. If your network has many partners consider who travels with whom and how to arrange housing and activities. Some people prefer a joint holiday with everyone involved while others opt for parallel trips that allow space for personal connection. The goal is to avoid guilt trips and to maintain consent in everyone s choices.

Handling the emotions jealousy insecurity and the spice of freedom in RA ENM holidays

Jealousy is a natural human emotion especially during emotionally charged times like holidays. RA ENM invites us to acknowledge jealousy as information not a verdict on the relationship. Use it as a prompt to check in with yourself and with others. Compersion can grow when you see someone you care about feeling happy with another person. You can cultivate compersion through honest conversation and by celebrating each other s wins. If jealousy becomes persistent it can be a signal that a boundary needs re negotiation or that one person s energy is overstretched. In that case it is better to pause the plan and adjust rather than keeping the machinery running and building up resentment.

Boundary setting and consent check ins before during and after events

Before any holiday event set a time for a boundary check in. Ask how people feel about the plan and invite suggestions for modification. During the event keep a quiet door open for people to step away and take a breath if needed. After the event schedule a debrief to discuss what went well and what could be improved next time. This habit makes the network resilient and capable of handling complex dynamics with grace.

Social dynamics family pressures and privacy considerations

Discretion matters for people who are navigating complicated family histories or who work in professional spaces that require privacy. In RA ENM you can decide who needs to know about what and who can share what with outsiders. Some folks are comfortable with broad transparency others need to protect privacy. The project is to respect those needs while keeping the lines of communication open for those who are directly involved in the holiday planning and celebrations.

Practical tips for in laws friends and extended families

• Be brief when explaining your relationship structure if you choose to share. You do not owe a full anatomy lesson to every relative but you can provide enough context to avoid misunderstandings.
• Offer to include a simple one page explanation in invitations or programs if your circle is large and unfamiliar with RA ENM terminology.
• Ask for input from relatives who you know will have strong opinions and approach the conversation with curiosity not defensiveness.
• Set boundaries about topics that are off limits during gatherings and establish a signal or plan if the conversation shifts into sensitive territory.

Safety sexual health and consent in holiday celebrations

When sex or intimate encounters are part of the network this adds another layer to holiday planning. Prioritize consent and communication about protection testing and STI status. Some people use a shared calendar to track health appointments and ensure everyone who needs to know has access to information in a respectful way. Always get explicit consent for any intimate activity that involves more than one person and check in about any changes to agreements as the event approaches.

Self care rituals and when to say no

Holiday time can be overwhelming especially in a network with multiple partners. Build self care into the plan. This might mean spaces for quiet reflection time a personal ritual that helps you center yourself or a clear boundary that if you feel overwhelmed you will step away for a moment and regroup. It is okay to say no to an event or to arrive late or leave early if you need to protect your wellbeing. A well placed no can be just as loving as a yes.

Glossary of useful terms and acronyms

• RA Relationship Anarchy a philosophy that emphasizes autonomy consent and flexible ethical non monogamy without fixed hierarchical structures.
• ENM Ethical Non Monogamy a relationship approach that involves honesty consent and ethical management of more than one romantic or intimate connection.
• Compersion A positive feeling when another person you care about experiences joy with someone else.
• Primary partner A term used in some non monogamy circles to indicate a person given special status in a relationship but in RA ENM this is not assumed as a default rule.
• Secondary partner Another partner who is not the primary in a traditional sense; in RA ENM this label is negotiable and not a badge of ownership.
• Negotiated boundary An agreed limit that guides behavior within a relationship within a specific context such as a holiday or event.
• Consent Ongoing clear agreement to participate in any activity or plan with awareness of risks and boundaries.
• Boundary check in A planned moment to revisit feelings and adjust plans as needed before or after an event.
• Privacy The choice to share or not share information about relationships with people outside the network.
• Social dynamics The ways people interact in groups including families friends and partners during events.

Frequently asked questions

Below are quick answers to common questions about holidays and special occasions in Relationship Anarchy ENM. If you need more nuance you can scroll further for longer examples and templates.

What makes holidays different in Relationship Anarchy ENM

Holidays are not a fixed event carved in stone for a single couple. In RA ENM plans are negotiated with respect for each person s needs and boundaries. The goal is to avoid pressure to conform to a single script and to allow multiple people to participate in ways that feel right for them.

How do I avoid feeling left out when my partner has other partners joining a holiday

Open communication is essential. Share your feelings early talk about what you most want from the holiday and what would help you feel connected. Ask about who plans to attend and whether there will be opportunities for quality time together. It can help to arrange a dedicated moment with your partner during the day and a separate moment with others as well.

What if a family member pushes for a traditional couple model

Respectful assertiveness is key. You can acknowledge the tradition without adopting it. Explain that your network organizes events based on consent and flexibility and offer options that honor everyone involved. If needed you can limit conversations to a brief explanation and steer back to the moment you are sharing together.

How do we handle gifts across multiple partners

Agree on a simple approach that minimizes stress. Some networks do a single group gift exchange while others celebrate individually at separate gatherings. Communicate clearly who is giving what and when to avoid confusion or two many competing gifts.

What should I do if jealousy surfaces during a holiday event

Pause and reflect. Name the feeling and explore its source with a trusted partner or friend in the network. Consider a short break during the event if needed and reenter with a plan that reduces triggers for future gatherings.

How can I explain RA ENM to curious family members without causing friction

Provide a concise gentle explanation that emphasizes consent and respect. Offer to share more resources after the event and be prepared to answer questions in a calm and patient way. Avoid becoming defensive and focus on the positive experiences of the people involved.

Real world dialogue snippets to help you communicate during holidays

Use these as seed ideas to craft your own messages. They are written in a casual conversational tone and reflect the emphasis on consent and flexibility that RA ENM champions.

Example 1

Hey I wanted to check in about Christmas We will be celebrating with a group that includes my partner and a couple of friends I would love for you to be part of it If you would prefer a smaller intimate moment with me we can arrange that too just tell me what would make the day easiest for you.

Example 2

We are planning a family supper plus a separate get together with friends who are in our network This approach lets everyone have a moment with the people they care about and it avoids forcing anyone into a single plan that doesn t fit their needs.

Example 3

I know this is a lot to process If you want to talk more about how we handle holidays I am happy to chat and answer questions We can set a time that works for you and go through details step by step.

Final notes for using this guide

Remember RA ENM is about choice not policing It is about creating a compassionate space in which all people can participate in meaningful ways while preserving autonomy and consent. Holidays are high pressure and high emotion moments that benefit greatly from clear communication honest check ins and a willingness to adjust plans as needed. The aim is to have joy together while respecting boundaries and ensuring that everyone involved feels seen and safe.

Checklist for quick reference

• Start planning early and include all interested partners and close friends
• Have a clear but flexible plan that can adapt to changes
• Ask for needs and boundaries from everyone involved
• Agree on how to handle gifts travel and food logistics
• Set aside time for private moments that strengthen individual relationships
• Face jealousy with open dialogue and team based problem solving
• Decompress after events and journal what worked well for future planning