Substance Use Boundaries and Consent

• Clarity first Start conversations with your own needs and invite others to share theirs. Clarity reduces miscommunication which is a major source of hurt in busy social and intimate settings.
• Specificity over vagueness Instead of saying I do not want anyone under the influence consider saying I want no sexual activity with someone who is heavily intoxicated or unable to clearly consent after a night of drinking.
• Mutual consent as ongoing practice Consent is not a one time checkbox. It is a dynamic process that continues across time and contexts including after a boundary has been set or adjusted.
• Personal autonomy Each person in the network retains the right to say no at any time even if a boundary was previously agreed upon.
• Context matters The same boundary might look different at a party a quiet dinner date or a weekend retreat. Boundaries should reflect the setting and participants involved.

Boundaries around different substances

Substance use can mean a lot of different things from alcohol to cannabis to party drugs to prescription meds. Boundaries will often depend on risk factors the needs of different partners and the kind of connection you are seeking. The general approach is to be explicit about what is allowed who is responsible for what and how decisions will be made when feelings or situations shift. Here are common boundary templates you can adapt to your group.

• Alcohol boundaries We may attend events where alcohol is present but there is no sexual activity after drinking beyond a clearly enthusiastic sober partner consent. If someone feels buzzed or tipsy we pause to check in before any intimate contact.
• Cannabis and other non prescribed substances If someone chooses to use cannabis or other substances then all participants acknowledge that clear consent cannot be assumed and activities will be limited to non sexual interactions until all parties are sober and able to communicate clearly.
• Hard drugs and high risk substances Any involvement with high risk substances triggers a default to sober engagement and requires explicit consent from all partners before any intimate contact. If clarity is compromised the activity is paused.
• Prescription meds If someone is taking prescription medications that affect mood judgment or communication we set boundaries that reflect the safety limits of those medications with input from healthcare providers when available.

Consent under influence and why it matters

Consent becomes complicated when alcohol or drugs are involved. The core rule in RA ENM is that enthusiastic clear consent is required and that it cannot be assumed or extracted through pressure manipulation or intoxication. If a person is intoxicated to the point where they cannot clearly assess limits and preferences then any sexual activity should be paused until there is a sober reliable decision maker with enthusiastic participation from all involved. It is also important to recognize that someone who voluntarily uses substances is still responsible for communicating their boundaries and checking in with partners. Consent is ongoing not a single moment line item.

Movement toward better consent under influence includes these practices.

• Pre event negotiation Talk about boundaries before you start drinking or using substances and revisit them as needed.
• Checkpoint check ins Use a system to pause and check in with everyone involved at key moments and especially before any sexual activity.
• Clear signaling Agree on simple signals or words that indicate pause or stop and ensure everyone understands how to respond if a signal is given.
• Role of sober partners Assign a sober ally who can help monitor safety and consent in group settings or social events.

Realistic scenarios and how RA ENM handles them

These scenarios are common in social settings where substances are present. They illustrate how to hold space for autonomy while protecting safety and consent. Use them as discussion prompts with your partners.

Scenario one a party with a mix of sober and intoxicated people

You are at a party with several partners. A new partner expresses interest in a sexual encounter with another partner. The person interested is currently intoxicated. In a RA ENM frame you pause and propose a sober discussion later. The boundaries are clear and consent is obtained when everyone can fully participate. You might say we can revisit this later tonight when we are all sober and still excited about each other. If not all participants consent or if anything feels off the plan is to wait and not engage in sexual activity.

Scenario two a friend with a history of boundary challenges

A partner has a history of pushing boundaries when drinks are involved. You establish a rule that any activity involving new partners must be discussed in a group chat after a sober check in and that if any person asks to pause the activity the request is honored immediately. You also nominate a trusted friend to help monitor comfort levels and to call for a brake if someone looks unsure.

Scenario three a date with a partner who uses substances

On a first date with a partner who uses alcohol you agree on a no intimacy policy until there is clear enthusiastic consent when sober. You specify that if either person feels uncertain after a few drinks the date will continue as friends or will be paused for aftercare and a future sober date. This keeps space open for connection while respecting boundaries and safety.

Scenario four multiple partner dynamics

In a network where several people are dating together you set up a shared boundary around substance use that applies to all parties. The boundary states that no sexual activity will occur when anyone involved is intoxicated. If someone wants to engage with a new partner while under the influence the group agrees to postpone until all participants can consent clearly and enthusiastically.

Negotiation tools and practical conversation starters

Clear communication is the engine that keeps RA ENM thriving. Here are practical ways to bring up substance use boundaries and consent.

• Opening questions What boundaries would feel safest for you tonight when alcohol is involved? What would you want if a partner showed up who had been using a substance? How can we support each other to stay sober or at least communicative?
• Boundaries statement Here is what I need right now with this arrangement. I want explicit consent every step of the way and I want to pause if anyone feels uncertain or unsafe.
• Check in phrases Are you still comfortable with this plan? How are you feeling right now? Do you want to continue or pause and reassess?
• Consent renewal Before engaging in any new intimate activity we will confirm consent again with a simple yes from everyone.
• Conflict repair phrases I may need a moment to process. I want to understand your perspective. Let us take a short break and regroup when we are ready.

Scripts you can adapt for conversations

Use these as templates and change the names and details to fit your situation. The goal is to keep it calm direct and non judgemental.

• Before any party begins say I want to check in about boundaries for tonight. Are we all on the same page about no sexual activity while anyone is intoxicated and that we will pause if anyone feels unsure?
• If someone expresses uncertainty you can respond I hear you and I want you to feel safe. Let us pause and come back to this when we are all clear headed.
• When negotiating with a new partner say I am excited to connect with you but I want to make sure we are all comfortable. Can we confirm enthusiastic consent and a sober check in before any intimate steps?
• After an event when feelings are high you might say I am still processing this. Let us debrief tomorrow and adjust our boundaries if needed.

Safety planning and practical steps you can take

Safety planning helps you prevent boundary violations before they happen and it also gives you a clear path if something goes off track. Here are practical steps you can implement now.

• Define a sober space Decide where conversations and potential intimate moments take place and keep a sober presence there to monitor consent.
• Agree on a safe word or signal Choose a word or signal that means pause or stop and make sure everyone knows how to respond quickly when it is used.
• Designate a consent captain Appoint a trusted partner who is not involved in the moment to help monitor boundaries and check in with others later in the evening.
• Set a check in cadence Decide on times to check in during events that involve substances and make sure these checks are part of the plan.
• Debrief after After any intense moment take time to talk about what worked what did not and what could be improved next time.

Self care and aftercare in a RA ENM context

Self care matters just as much as consent. After a social event or an intimate moment involving substances you may feel a mix of relief anxiety or exhaustion. Aftercare is the practice of caring for yourself and others after an experience to support emotional safety and healing. In RA ENM this often means a few quiet minutes together with open listening compassionate acknowledgement and a plan for next steps. A few ideas include a debrief chat a warm drink a short walk or time alone if someone needs it. The important part is intentional connection not pressure to perform or pretend everything is fine.

Common mistakes and how to avoid them

• Assuming consent Consent is not a guess it must be explicit and ongoing. If there is any doubt stop and check in.
• Penalizing sobriety Avoid shaming or pressuring someone for choosing not to use substances or to stay sober in a given moment. Respect autonomy.
• Rushing boundary negotiation Give space for all voices the boundaries should feel good for everyone involved not like a checklist you rush through.
• Leaving safety to chance Do not rely on luck. Build concrete plans check in and have a plan to exit if boundaries are tested.
• Ignoring aftercare needs People process experiences in different ways and may need time and space after events. Don t skip this step.

Negotiating boundaries over time

Boundaries in RA ENM are not locked in place forever. They evolve as the people involved grow change and encounter new situations. Regular check in sessions are a good practice and can become a normal part of your relationship rhythm. When renegotiating boundaries use a structured approach:

• Share what changed Describe the new situation or feeling that is prompting a boundary shift.
• Explain the impact Tell your partner how the change would affect safety and comfort for you or others.
• Propose a revised boundary Put forward a specific change and invite feedback from everyone involved.
• Test the boundary Try the new boundary in a lower risk context first and adjust as needed.

Practical tips for keeping the conversation flowing

Clear steady dialogue makes RA ENM easier to practice day to day. Here are some practical tips to keep conversations constructive.

• Schedule regular check ins Carve out time for boundary reviews and emotional check ins even when everything feels okay.
• Use floating agreements Keep your agreements flexible so you can adjust without burning bridges or creating resentment.
• Document important agreements Use a shared note or document that captures key boundaries especially around substances so everyone can reference it later.
• Be compassionate but honest You can hold space for feelings while remaining firm on safety boundaries.
• Seek outside perspectives Sometimes a therapist or a mediator who understands ENM can help you navigate tricky conversations.

Glossary of useful terms and acronyms

• RA Relationship Anarchy the approach that emphasizes autonomy and negotiated connections without rigid hierarchies.
• ENM Ethical Non Monogamy a family of relationship styles that involve more than one romantic or sexual connection with informed consent.
• Consent Agreeing to participate in an activity with free will and without pressure and with the possibility to withdraw at any time.
• Boundaries Personal limits that protect safety and well being in relationships including how substances are involved in intimate moments.
• Negotiation The dialogue and agreement process used to establish boundaries and expectations among all involved.
• Aftercare The actions taken after an intense moment to support emotional safety and connection.
• Safe word A predefined signal used to pause or stop an activity if someone feels unsafe or overwhelmed.
• Harm reduction Approaches that aim to minimize risk and harm when ideal outcomes cannot be achieved.

Frequently asked questions

What is Relationship Anarchy and Ethical Non Monogamy

Relationship Anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects fixed rules about who can be involved and what roles people play. It centers on consent autonomy and flexibility. Ethical Non Monogamy is a broader term for relationship styles that involve more than one romantic or sexual connection with transparent consent and ongoing communication.

How do we approach consent around substances in RA ENM

Consent around substances in RA ENM is ongoing explicit and informed. Before any intimate activity all participants confirm consent while sober or capable of clear judgement. If substances are involved checks in during the moment help ensure ongoing agreement. If anyone feels unsure the activity pauses until clarity returns.

Can people in RA ENM have boundaries around sobriety or substance use

Yes. Boundaries around sobriety or substance use are powerful tools for safety and comfort. You can set rules such as no sexual activity under heavy intoxication and require sober check ins before involvement with new partners. Boundaries should be honored even if they differ from what others in the network do.

How do I discuss boundaries with multiple partners

Start with a calm conversation where you share your needs and invite others to voice theirs. Create a shared document or space where agreements are summarized. Check in regularly and be prepared to renegotiate as dynamics shift or new people join the network.

What should be done if someone violates a boundary around substances

First address it directly with the person involved in a calm moment. Reiterate the boundary and discuss how to prevent recurrence. If necessary involve a sober facilitator or mediator. If the boundary continues to be violated you may need to pause or rethink the arrangement for safety and wellbeing.

How do we handle jealousy when alcohol or drugs are involved

Jealousy is natural and common in ENM contexts. Use RA tools to acknowledge feelings without blaming others. Have a plan for supportive conversations with the person involved and consider temporary changes to boundaries to reduce triggers while you work through the feelings.

Are there safety concerns with sexual activity under influence

Yes there are safety concerns. Under influence judgement can be impaired making consent unreliable. The safest approach is to delay intimate contact until everyone is sober and able to communicate clearly. If it is not possible to stay sober consider postponing intimacy or opting for non sexual connection until safety is ensured.

Should boundaries be written or can they be flexible

Boundaries work best when they are documented and revisited. Writing them down reduces miscommunication and makes renegotiation easier. At the same time boundaries should be flexible to reflect changes in people circumstances and feelings. A combination of documented agreements with regular check ins is ideal.

How should we handle consent during a social event

Consent is an ongoing process even during events. Check in with each person before escalating intimacy and pause if anyone expresses doubt. Having a sober ally watch over the moment can help ensure that consent remains clear and enthusiastic for all involved.